Occupation: Secrets to spotting a substance abuser: Part 1

 

Roger and Don tie one on at the office.

You are what you do.

When you are consciously avoiding substance abusers the first item to check off your list is occupation.  There are certain occupations that attract these people based on accessibility of substance and time to use it.  I am not saying that all people who have the jobs I will mention are substance abusers, I am merely pointing out that these jobs make it easier for someone to abuse a substance if they wish. Keep your eyes open, that’s all I am saying.

Any job that centers around intoxicating substances like:

bartender, waiter/waitress, restauranteur, chef, wine/beer distributor, wine shop owner/sales staff, package store owner/worker, caterer, drug dealer, pharmacist, you get it

High powered jobs where people meet over meals or drinking functions often like:

Lobbyist (I hear that certain AA meetings in DC are like Who’s Who gatherings), Lawyers, Entertainment Agents

High pressure jobs that have access to medications like:

Surgeons, anesthesiologists, nurses, er techs

Service jobs where people control a lot of their time like:

independent contractors, carpenters, house painters, artists of any genre including stage hands and roadies, real estate agents, commercial fisherman, professional athletes, farmers

People who are independently wealthy or otherwise unemployed.

What is really important to remember is that anyone can be a substance abuser as I said in the introduction to this series.  Having any of those occupations is not proof of a problem but something to consider when you examine other factors I will cover in future posts.

To see stats on people in recovery click here.

How To Spot a Substance Abuser Before You Get Too Involved: Introduction

 

I was clueless about substance abuse.

Life with a substance abuser is a special kind of HELL.

It is similar to how the protagonists must feel in those adventure movie scenes where they are being chased by a band of  hooligans who are shooting at them and as they run across a rope bridge precariously strung across some impossibly deep ravine when footing planks begin to drop off  in random intervals like autumn leaves being blown off a tree whilst a large dangerous animal just happens to appear at the bridges other side – no place feels safe, nothing is certain and life seems as if it goes from one crisis to another.

Having been on that disintigrating bridge, with those angry hooligans and the hungry tiger two many times in my life I have made a study of how to spot substance abusers before getting too involved.  I have decided to share my methods with you as a way of minimizing your chances of ending up, as I did, in a long-term relationship with a substance abuser without having a clue as to the signs that would have saved me a lot of pain and anguish.

First a little history:

I grew up in the south in the ’60′s and ’70′s.  For a glimpse into my early childhood life watch the early seasons of MADMEN. I grew up in a world of upper-middle class white America (WASP to the core) where people related to each other through alcohol.  Christmas Eve church service at our church had a distinct aroma of Bourbon wafting about the evergreens and candle wax scents, summer afternoons were for beer, cocktail parties were a frequent pastime activity for adults.  By the time I was 14, if I were at certain friend’s homes (about 75% of the families I knew) on a non-school night at 5:00pm I was usually offered a cocktail and invited to sit with the adults for a few drinks before dinner.  On hot summer afternoons groups of kids would get inner tubes and float down the river, one tube less inflated to hold the  manditory cooler of beer.Keg parties were a large part of the high school social scene, particularly the exclusive private schools – the wealthier and more socially prominent  a family was, the less inclined they seemed to regarded laws concerning substance use. It was an environment that encouraged substance abuse by preventing kids from feeling the consequences of their actions.  I knew several boys who were sent to rehab before the age of 16 only to come out and be sent to boarding schools where they enjoyed greater freedom to indulge in their drug of choice.  One 17 year old boy was caught dealing drugs at my school and was dismissed.  A week later he was back at school and it was announced that his grandmother was donating the money to build the new wing for the school’s library.  Another boy received a very expensive car for his 16th birthday and totaled it two days later while driving drunk.  His father got him a new car the next day and hired a high profile lawyer who got the boy off free of any charges.  A week or so later the same boy wrecked the new car while driving drunk.  His father purchased a third identical car for him and hired the same lawyer to get him off the charges a second time brushing off any problem the boy had as youthful folly. Drugs were everywhere in the youth culture, crossing socio-economic lines.  Although I did not do drugs in high school, I drank.  But so did everyone else.  It was just normal.  I offer these stories as an illustration of the world in which I grew up in an effort to explain why I so slow to recognize the signs of substance abusers – and to qualify my coming advice as worth heeding as I have had a considerable amount of exposure to the group in question.

As an adult I married two men (at different times) who had substance abuse issues in their families and who demonstrated signs of substance abuse issues themselves.  One hid bottles around the house, indulging where I couldn’t see him. The other was so sneaky that no one would see him drink any alcohol all day then suddenly he would be stumbling about the house and slurring his words. How did I miss the warning signs before saying, “I do”, not once but twice?

You see, my mistake was that I thought alcoholics were people who lived on the street and had no job.  Think Otis from the Any Griffith show. I had never heard of a functioning alcoholic so I thought the drinking and drugs were all fun and games – if you had a job, and particularly if you were very successful, you could not have a substance abuse problem therefore any substance you chose to indulge in was fine as long as you maintained your status and image- that was the message I got.

Believing this myth is one of reasons it failed to realize that someone with an education, ambition, a residence and a job could possibly have this type of problem. I was well into my second marriage  before that myth was challenged. I had turned to a therapist for help because my life was spinning out of control following a trip to the emergency room with my spouse who had passed out at the dinner table on a day where no one saw him drink. The therapist pointed out that my husband may have a problem and suggested a twelve step program that might help me.

So my first guiding principle in  spotting a potential substance abuser is:

Know that anyone can be a substance abuser.  Anyone.  Regardless of any job, social standing, background, religious affiliation, ethnicity, level of wealth or anything else.

Keep that in mind when you meet potential dating partners then you can utilize the other evaluative tools I will offer  you in future blogs to determine for yourself is a person potentially has a substance abuse problem.  Remember, I am not a doctor, a psychologist, or a specialist in this area.  I just have a lot of life experience and wish to be helpful in helping others consciously avoid getting involved with this type of person.

 

 

 

 

Quality vs Quantity

Quality vs Quantity

I am feeling compelled at this time to repeat some advice to people considering divorce:  STOP BLAMING THE OTHER PERSON AND WORK ON YOURSELF! This advice does not apply to you if you are in an abusive situation (and that includes mental, physical or emotional abuse) or  are in a relationship with an addict – in these cases you should get out as soon as possible for your sake and the sake of your children if you have any.  But you other people who fantasize that once you are single again you will have ample opportunity to find someone else who is better than your current significant other – unless you know something I don’t- are plain wrong.

There is quantity out there, I’ll grant you that, but little quality.

Case in point:  I know a perfectly lovely woman who claims she has never had any trouble meeting men to date.  She has often made me jealous at parties with her claims of an endless string of men coming into her life.  Then one fateful night she (after a couple of cocktails) decided to share the wealth and began scrolling through her contacts like a modern day matchmaker to find me a potential mate.  She showed me picture after picture of overweight, t-shirt clad guys with beers in their hands, gun racks and deer heads on the walls behind them complete with stories like “He’s never been married but has two really cute kids.” or “I think his ex is still living in the same house with him.” I was unmoved. I thanked her for trying an apologized for being difficult.  I am sure these are all great guys who would be perfect for the right woman.  They are average American Men and that is the majority of what is available. Call me a snob, bitch or whatever but I am looking for something else. I am searching for Excellence.

And excellence is RARE.

You (like me) will have to turn a lot of stones to find someone fabulous and that takes time.

During that time as a “single person looking” you will have to work on yourself – which is exactly what you needed to do to re-spark  your marriage in the first place so it only makes sense to simply do the work while you are married and enjoy the changes that take place rather than going through all that mess and then trying to find someone else.

-Plus if you stay off the market it means less competition for me

Cad Online?

I know I have blogged about this before but a recent event has prompted me to re-pose this question:

Why do attached people sign up for online dating sites and represent themselves as single?

It is hard enough to find single people to date when one is in the middle of life.  Do you attached folks really have to dive into our pool and make things difficult for those of us who actively want to stay out of trouble?  for those of us who are actually, purposefully seeking a long-term mate?

I know there are plenty of single, involved or married people out there who would love to meet up with you attached people and have all sorts of fun – and that is fine as long as you are all honest with each other about your status and what you want from a relationship with each other. But could we PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE end the misrepresentation and lying?

You wonderful regular readers are probably wondering what incident set me off this time.  Well, I am so looking forward to sharing this one….

Last Sunday morning the weather here in Central Virginia was disgusting so I hunkered down in my cozy bed (my favorite place in the world) did some writing and caught up on emails.  There were a few SPAM emails that had slipped through and one was for an online dating site that specializes in matching people over 50 called Our Time.  Just for giggles I decided to pop on, fill out a cursory profile and take a gander at what is out there in my geographic area. (If you would like to read about the last time I did something like this click here.) I am scrolling through the multiple photos of moustached men in flannel shirts and cowboy hats sitting on tractors (pretty funny since this is Virginia, not Kansas) and a rather poorly exposed photo of what seems to be a good-looking man catches my eye.  ”Hmmmm,” thought I, “This man looks vaguely familiar.”  But I can’t really see his face so I open up his profile and commence reading his self-description.  The words are all too familiar.  I have heard them before from a specific person. I double-check the photo and discover two more pics.  I click. Low and behold it is Mr. Nice Change of Pace from last spring (click here to read first “date” story and here to discover the outcome).

I am flabbergasted.

As far as any mutual friends know Mr. Nice Change of Pace and his girlfriend remain a couple – at least as of a few weeks ago.

So this question immediately pops into my head:

a) Is Mr. Nice Change of Pace the honest, sweet, thoughtful man I thought he was/think he is?

OR

b) Is he a cad that seeks the attention, company and affection of other women behind his girlfriend’s back?

Since the girlfriend has clearly indicated she is uninterested in me contacting her (and frankly, I feel the same way), I will have to trust that the Universe will divulge the answer to this query at the appropriate time.

Which brings me back to…

People who lie about their relationship status ruin the game for  honest folks. It complicates online dating, creating a dangerous environment requiring all manner of caution that inhibits one’s ability to be open to possibilities.  There are countless sad stories of people getting unknowingly involved with married men or women from meeting online and suffering the consequences.

There are sites for attached people who want to hook up with other people and the people who want to hook up with them. Fox Business News did a story about them.  Click here for a link to that story.

I invite attached people to just go to those sits and stay off sites meant for single people. Then we might all be a little happier.

 

Disclaimer:  I am not suggesting that Mr. Nice Change of Pace is unavailable at this time or that he is a dishonest person. I have no definitive proof of his relationship status. I am only relating that I found his profile with 3 pictures that appear to be recent and a nicely written essay about himself, what he is looking for  on a paid online dating service which prompted me to think about how often attached people sign up on dating sites.

Vibrating props made for interesting research

Speaking of vibrators…

I just posted a story about the props for Live Arts production of IN THE NEXT ROOM or the vibrator play.

click here to read it.

The Ball is Over- what a relief

The Gym transformed for the Financial Aid Fundraiser

When last I blogged it was a few days before the first event where H2′s girlfriend and I would be present at the same time. ( To read that post for background click here.)  The fundraiser, which I chaired for our daughter’s school, was a smashing success!  It was a great party and everyone had a good time.  H2 was well behaved for the installation of scenery, the event itself and only showed his nasty self during clean up where he charmingly (read sarcasm) snarled at me and complained repeatedly about things over which I had no control.

The obvious question is how did it go with Girlfriend and how did I react.  At the risk of disappointing, I am happy to report zero cat fights.  I was so busy all night running the show and tending to details that I had little time to even think about it and to be honest, even before the event I had abandoned any attachment.  They were guests at my charity event and I was happy to have them there to contribute to the financial aid fund.

I did happen to be at the check-in station when they arrived. Someone noted her obvious discomfort and I felt compassion.  I also knew from experience what sort of night she was in for with H2 and felt sorry for her. Although I avoided any real conversation with either of them, I did, as I did with other guests, check in with them periodically to make sure they were having a good time.  They seemed to be.  During the Live Auction part of the evening, I sat several feet behind them with the other women on the event committee and watched as H2 spent money like it was nothing. My thought was, “I am so grateful I am not going home with him as drunk as he is, have to deal with his “needs” when he is in such a state or wake up tomorrow to assess the financial damage incurred and try to figure out a way to fill the hole left by such recklessness.” Some of the worst hours of my married life followed events like this.  As far as Girlfriend was concerned, I thought that it is lucky for her that they are just dating and can enjoy the benefits of his overspending without suffering the consequences.

I am glad that H2 has found someone who makes him feel good and important in the way that he needs to feel good and important.  Hopefully, he is kind and respectful to her and has grown to treat her like a human being rather than an object.  I guess I will never know but I can hope.

On another note I had a difficult decision to make this past week concerning a really great guy I met over New Years and his geographic unavailability.  This man is so much of what I am looking for that I forgot for a moment that  availability is the key factor for me in the search for a relationship. It took a while but a little gnawing feeling gave way to realization that distance, regardless of the wonderful qualities of person involved, is unacceptable to me.  So I had to break it off.  Ugh.

Self love means being true to oneself.  Without self love we are unable to truly love others.

The quest continues.

In Attendance: the first function where your ex brings his new love

 

 

 

Jessica Chastain as Celia Foote in the film version of
THE HELP

I am about to experience one of the most challenging situations a single, divorced woman can face:

Attending the first event where the ex brings their new significant other.

When I fist got *H2′s email informing me that “Girlfriend” would be attending an event I would also be attending, (Yes, he delivered the information by email rather than in person or over the phone because that is the sort of person he is -which explains a lot.) I was astonished.  Firstly, because the last time we talked about Girlfriend they had broken up so I was broadsided by the mere mention of her presence in his life.  Although his relationship status is really none of my business, it does affect our daughter and how relationships are interpreted particularly if she will be associating with any significant others.  In other words, it is helpful for me to know what is going on so I can be the best support for out daughter I can be.  She may have questions that need answering and it is ideal to be prepared.

Secondly, this will be the first time Girlfriend and I have attended the same social function.

Following astonishment, I experienced anger, dismay, amusement and maybe, just maybe, a pinch of jealousy culminating in one giant, “Are you kidding me?” sort of reaction.  Naturally, I did some research to determine which of these feelings were normal in this situation and which were unique to me.  According to Cathy Meyer for About.com in an article titled, Tips to Help You Process Negative Emotions When Your Ex-Spouse Starts Dating, I learned that most of what I felt was normal. Jealousy and feelings of betrayal are described by Meyer as par for the course.  People with a long history of being together sort of get it stuck somewhere that this person belongs to them in a way.  Seeing them with someone else triggers those old perceptions which then need to be dealt with properly.  Dealing with them includes recognizing that the relationship you had cannot be duplicated because each couple is special because people bring different characteristics. Once you can remember what was special then you can remember why it didn’t work, focus on being your best self and living your life to its fullest potential.  Let it go.

I was able to process all of that fairly quickly (a matter of a few hours) then came the part that was a tad more challenging.  The event Girlfriend has chosen to attend is a charity function I am organizing for our daughter’s school (to clarify, the child of H2). H2, who lives in another city about 110 miles away is playing a key role in the production of this huge event and will be working long hours before, during and following the event.  Girlfriend will be coming from at least the same distance and a different city, I assume is expecting to spend time with H2.  H2 and I will be working many hours together in a manner in which we are accustomed which does not include Girlfriend.  We will be relating to each other in a way that might, on the surface, be threatening to Girlfriend who has let loose her insecurity of her status with H2 more than once in the form of verbal abuse towards me.

Personally, if I were going to be at a function with my date’s ex present for the first time, I would choose a different sort of occasion. Walking into a room full of strangers, far away from my support group, on the other woman’s turf when she is a focal point of attention and my date will be distracted by his job throughout the evening seems like the recipe for a rough emotional ride. Something smaller and more intimate representing more neutral turf would be a better choice in my opinion. Of course, if I were driving over 100 miles to visit with my sweetie after not seeing him for weeks I would want to know that we were spending the whole time together rather than a few short hours -but hey, that’s me.

Post astonishment and brief personal processing, my concern went to the quality of the event and H2′s commitment to supporting the school.  I responded to his email with my concern asking if he felt he could be focused and committed to the task at hand while Girlfriend, was chomping at the bit to spend time with him.  He failed to comment.

It then occurred to me (and here is where the amusement came in) that Girlfriend likes to drink (At least that is my impression after a string of FB messages she sent to me full of slanderous pot shots followed by a half- assed apology claiming she was drunk at the time which was then followed by another string of crazy rantings when I failed to immediately respond. I have since blocked her.) and H2 likes to spend money.  This is a charity event and the success of it hinges on people who like to spend money.  People are more likely to spend money when they are drunk so they are likely to be great contributors to the bottom line.

I emailed him again something to this effect:

Of course,Girlfriend is welcomed to come. Please make sure she has lots of cash for drinks and raffle tickets and access to your bidder number for the Silent and Live auctions.

I feel really good now.  Confident and easeful. I am moving on, making the best of my life by helping to make this fundraiser I am chairing a success, happy that he will be happy enjoying this event the way he likes without me bitching about how much he spent the next day because as long as he is paying support and his life insurance it is non of my business how he spends his money any longer.

Plus someone drinking under the kind of pressure that Girlfriend will be under at such a function may offer some priceless moments like the scene in The Help where Celia Foote gets trashed at the society event and barfs at a key moment.

I give myself permission to step back and enjoy the show without expectation or attachment.  It feels liberating.

Another hurdle overcome.

One more step in the direction of my own happiness.

 

 

*H2 = Ex-husband #2