Why Men Cheat

Standard

 

 

Four in the last 10 days.  If you have been following this blog you know what the number 4 means in relationship to the number of married men that I feel are crossing boundaries (three described in a recent post and now one more).  No details needed.  The point is that I have, up until now, been absolutely perplexed by this phenomenon of married or otherwise attached men approaching other women.

Enter Comedian and Author, Steve Harvey and his book, ACT LIKE A LADY, THINK LIKE A MAN. His chapter, aptly titled, Why Men Cheat, explains in simple terms the answer (drum roll)- Because They Can.  He goes in to the reasons why and the various roles in the cheating scenario.  That plus hearing what feels like  100 men relate their tales of marital woe,  rebuffing what feels like an equal number of would be cheaters and listening to dozens of women’s stories who have either  been cheated on, cheated on someone or both, I think I get it now.

If you are waiting for me to share my revelations in this post, you will be disappointed. Perhaps another day.

But I will say this:

I have changed my perspective from disgust or flattery (depending on my mood) to mild amusement when married men approach me after reading this book.  Men are just programmed   to populate the planet and mix up as many gene pools as possible in doing so and sex is not necessarily an emotional experience.  That is just plain different than how women are programmed.  They don’t mean to be smarmy or rude.  They simply want to see what they can get.

Granted, I speak in general terms.  I understand that there are different kinds of cheaters and varying circumstances.  What Harvey’s book has taught me is that most men (single or attached)  start out with the idea of just getting sex from a woman and that if I look at all males from that perspective I can control the outcome.  If I can accept that it is just what they do, I can defuse the importance of it and take it for what it is- not a compliment or a slight- just what is.

I have also discovered that if I calmly call a man on the carpet rather than getting all uptight and offended or scared that his mate will hate me for standing there when the man made his advance, he will just laugh about it and brush it off as nothing- which is exactly what it is to him- NOTHING- a try at his luck.

All I have to do to be appropriate is rebuff his advances.

Please know, ladies, that these guys will L-I-E their faces off to get what they want so you have to be very careful.  Harvey offers up a 90 day rule for “giving up the cookie” – excellent advice that I totally support.

That way you can avoid situations like the one Delanie Moore, Author of I am Divorced Not Dead

 

, found herself in when she made out with a man she had just met and then discovered  a few days later he was married.  Harvey’s 90 day rule gives you the chance to discover whether or not a man is interested in you as long term potential or just sex.  (There is more to it than just waiting 90 days but it is a good guideline with which to start.)

Click here to read Delanie’s story – it is a really good example of the lengths a man will go to lure an unsuspecting woman into having sex.

Remember also that this advice is geared towards women seeking a long term committed relationship rather than  simply some fun.There is a place for that too but I strongly suggest that you stick with single men for that as well. It makes everyone’s life far less complicated.

Anyone have any good stories to tell along these topics?

12 responses »

  1. This probably won’t go over very well…

    I started reading your blog upon discovering a link on the regional NPR website. I thought it was an entertaining and provocative, as well as funny and informative read. That said, it seems that you have become something of a “man basher”. I’m fairly certain that you’ll say that isn’t a fair or accurate statement, but I’m noticing a distinctly negative angle on many of your recent blog posts.

    Sure, there are many unfaithful men, I’ll give you that. Are they all hoodwinking single, unsuspecting women exclusively? I’ll wager some of the illicit affairs they’re having are with married women. I respect and understand the fact that you struggle with the dating scene, as a single man I do too.

    I’m sure this comes across as angry, it isn’t. I think you have an audience that has come to expect a bit of rough-housing towards men, and that’s fine (and sometimes insightful and funny). Please just be careful using a paint roller rather than a detail brush when painting us. There are a lot of wonderful men out there just as there are a lot of fantastic women. If you only look for the downside, I think it’s a pretty easy proposition. Not hatin’, just sayin’…

    • Hey Paul,

      Thanks for following. I think your comment is a fair one as I too have sort of been feeling a negative vibe on the blog as well.
      I guess I have been struggling with what seems like a dearth of available men in my world lately and the seemingly endless stream of married/attached men who have been approaching me. I try to make it clear in my posts that “cheaters” come in all gender types and I am pretty sure that this post included a statement about talking with women who had been on all sides of that fence- including being the active cheater. I am also referring to a lot of Harvey’s theory and he is writing for women so maybe that adds to the tone.
      Anyway, I apologize for coming off as negative or bashing men in particular. It is my wish to explore issues rather than make judgements but sometimes criticism probably slips in.

      I am curious, though. You wrote:
      “I think you have an audience that has come to expect a bit of rough-housing towards men, and that’s fine (and sometimes insightful and funny).”
      How would you define my audience?
      And..
      I wholeheartedly appreciate the “insightful and funny” part of that sentence.

      Looking forward to your definition of dating by committee’s audience.

      Best,
      Mary

      • Well, I just think that you’re “preaching to the choir”, so to speak. They are all very attuned to your search and very supportive (as they should be). I’m sure I missed some of your “equal time” comments about women, my bad, I was just a little miffed at the cheating men theme.

        I try to think of people as genderless until there is a need to assign one. I enjoy your adventures very much and I find it informative to see how we are viewed by the fairer sex. Thank you for your responses to my concerns.

      • Hi Paul,

        Thanks again. You are a quick response. I am usually on the blog only once a day so normally my responses would be a bit slower.
        I am still interested in who you think is reading this blog.But who are “the choir”? Would you be willing to describe them? Who you think “they” are, offer a profile, if you will?

      • I have been pondering this question most of the afternoon and I find it quite difficult to answer. I think it forces me to generalize in a manner I am uncomfortable with. That said, perhaps my entire statement earlier was unfair. I think I meant that you have a very supportive following. I shall give this further consideration :)

      • Ahhhh. So, Paul, it sounds like maybe it is sometimes difficult to talk about a group without sounding as if you are generalizing.

      • Simply helping you to understand the dilemma.

        Thank you for reading and continuing to comment. Blogs are fun because we all get to express our thoughts.

    • Apologies. I have been sick with a stomach virus and was not alerted to any comments. Will look for your comment directly.

      Best, Mary

      Sent from my iPhone

  2. Mary, I just came upon your blog via facebook. I have not read many of your entries, but I do think that it’s easy to cast men as “men”, meaning they are mostly about sex, not love, mostly about manipulation, not intimacy, mostly Venus, not Mars. Unfortunately online dating has exacerbated that prejudice. What has struck me about my online dating experience (off and on for over four years) is that women are just as likely to fall into this “man” trap, that many are far more interested in personal enjoyment than in developing the kind of intimate relationship you are describing/seeking. What may be worse is that many are simply so injured from previous commitments that they have become either terribly frightened of recommitting or have yet to accept that they were part and parcel to the demise of the relationships they thought would last a life time.

    I will also say that online dating has become much more difficult, much more dishonest, much less about finding that special someone. I don’t know why exactly, but the spirit of good will, adventure, playfulness (that seem to infuse your “audition” notice) are now more absent than present. It’s been my experience that women married over 15 years, or having been in multiple failed relationships, and who have NOT spent the proper time to excise those demons, tend to come to the relationship in a remarkably similar way that men (who never really grow up, right?) do.

    Not to sound too negative myself, but at this stage of my life, I am finding that I must be happy in myself and just wait. Maybe something good will happen.

    • Hi Mister8tch,

      Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful comment. I agree with you on all your points particularly the part about being happy in yourself.

      I was trolling my google reader this morning (avoiding work, naturally) and saw a post about how women are kidding themselves if they think they don’t need a man. I thought, “But what if you really are happy with who are and you really don’t NEED anyone?” I think it is healthier to work on yourself and be satisfied with that and like you said, if something happens, then great!

      Working through all your “stuff” is what you need to do to be happy in a committed relationship with someone anyway.

      I think I will post Suzy’s blog tomorrow. I hope you will comment again soon.

      Best,
      Mary

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s