Mr. Right?


In order to find what you are looking for you must first know what it is.  Makes sense, right?  So part of this exercise is for me to figure out what I want, yet the DBT needs to let me know what they think I need as well.  After all, if I wanted what was right for me in the past, I may not be in the position of needing a Dating Brain Trust now.

So I will do my part and start the conversation going by writing up a little description of what I am looking for in a long-term love relationship.

In order to accomplish this task, I used model provided by Charlotte Kasl (I know, you probably think I read nothing else) which invites one to examine their wants via eight characteristics.  The following list is quoted from her book If the Buddha Dated (p.76):

  1. physical/material: looks, status, age, education money
  2. Intellect: level of intelligence, use of intelligence and wisdom
  3. Interests: hobbies, work, leisure time
  4. Values/lifestyle: religion, number of children, child-rearing beliefs
  5. Psychological/emotional: capacity for intimacy, emotional maturity
  6. Creativity/passion: playfulness, talents, level of energy and joy
  7. Spirituality: commitment to a path of truth, integrity, and service
  8. Essence: the ability to flow from love, truth, goodness and power




Firstly she asks that you review all of the above listed categories and write exactly what you want, your dream mate in great detail.  I will not bore you with my very long essay because Kasl then takes one through the process of melting that down to only a few words, then one word.

I will share some of this with you here:

The Man for Me:

In 50 words

He is handsome and fit. Caring, compassionate, generous, affectionate, creative, honest, seeks to improve himself and the world around him, is a good father and an excellent communicator, believes in Buddhist/ Quaker principles, enjoys the arts, outdoors, and has a matching energy level, a quiet sleeper.


10 words

healthy in mind and spirit, articulate, affectionate, lover of life


5 words

honest, healthy, articulate, affectionate, adventurous


1 word

pilgrim (?)

Your thoughts DBT?  What do you think I need or should want in a man?  Have I missed something incredibly obvious?


4 responses »

  1. I think this just about covers it all. I would be less concerned with whether or not he’s handsome or if he’s handsome to me. Does that make sense? Handsome is one thing, but attractive to you is another.

  2. Thanksgiving is of course the ideal time to find the Pilgrim Man. But you mustn’t limit to a seasonal fit! Anyway we’re back to the search process. Some people swear by the “Catalog Method”, a kind of “Dear Sears Roebuck, Please see attached order form and fill as specified…” (Kasl’s ideas?). But I have talked to many women who insist on a list and who remain single for years, if not forever. These women share the belief that anything less than their specs means “settling” and they are as adamant in their refusals as some people you read about in Washington. Now my head turns to the advice of a creative design consultant who believed it was stifling to focus on a search for a specific object; rather, he would have his clients stay open and respond holistically to their encounters. The trick seems to be to not buy on sight, but to take time for a careful inspection and reflection on its overall 4-seasons fit. And, eyes and ears open everywhere!

  3. Love U no hoo’s advice- I agree wholeheartedly. There is an implicit assumption that because you create such a list for your desired man- or in today’s online dating world, click a few buttons on a drop down menu for creating the perfect match- that it is somehow possible to conjure up or find such a man. Half the fun in dating is being surprised at what you like but didn’t know you liked. I also think about all the words written about settling- people change over time, and so do our preferences. I think you need a good listener, and someone who is fine with letting you have the spotlight, but can step in and take some of the shine if he needed to/wanted to. Someone patient, and as happy watching 10 hours of Mad Men at once in bed as going kayaking. A reasonable hedonist.

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