I am a moron

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So last Thursday night I went to an women’s basketball game with B6.  I sort of invited myself, as I may have told you, because I had emailed him an invite and when I didn’t hear anything back I realized I had sent it to the wrong email address – one of his but one he rarely checks.  Because one day he may find the invite, I sent a message to the email he does check explaining the situation but that now I had to un-invite him but would he make good on the raincheck to see a women’s b-ball game.

So I arranged for childcare and met him at 6:15pm at a sports bar to have a drink before the game.  He had explained that he had some event to attend before hand so we should meet there before a 7:00pm game time.  I hadn’t thought about the implications for eating dinner in regards to this odd timing until late afternoon and then I was busy and didn’t eat anything before meeting him. I don’t have his phone number so I couldn’t call to find out and it was too late to email.  I prayed that he had some plan because me and alcohol on an empty stomach is not pretty.

When I arrived he gave me a hug and big smile then the night just got weird.  I know I have some pretty important things in common with this man like a similar spiritual belief system, we are both into exercise, and he enjoys live theatre but we never seem to talk about any of that stuff.What we do talk about are two of his passions – running and sports – two subjects I have actively avoided throughout my life.

His eyes kind of glazed over when, at one point, I changed the subject to something stupid like how I had struggled with what to wear to a women’s basketball game.  He is a straight man of a certain age after all.

Anyway…

I made some stupid gaffs over the course of the evening and try as I might, I had a hard time wrapping my brain around the game.  I was so drained from trying to be interested in what was happening on the court that afterwards when he invited me to join him at a different sports bar to watch the end of a men’s college basketball game, I had to decline.  I felt that I could not try to hold a conversation with a man who had one eyeball on the television.

When I got in my car to go home I knew he would not be contacting me again.  He sped off before I was seat belted in.

I emailed him after a few days to thank him for taking me to the game but haven’t heard a peep from him.  Nor has there been any contact from B4.

My ego is bruised.  I am a little forlorn and feel that I need to give this dating thing up for a while and concentrate on creating a career for myself.

My committee is all but evaporated ( a genuine “thank you” to the few of you who have kept up and commented).

But I have learned some things through this process already. Namely:

  1. Most of my friends and family, even though they thought it would be a hoot to give their honest two cents have , in practice, learned that they are uncomfortable with that.
  2. In an effort to keep these men anonymous I leave out important details that may sway the DBT’s opinions.
  3. I really don’t need a committee.  No one can know what my heart feels except me and no one else can possibly know the unique journey I am on.  My friends and family want to protect me from harm and hardship because they love me but it is through those things that I learn, grow and become a better person.  Most people would have warned me against marrying my second husband. Some claim that they did but I just failed to hear them.  But even though our marriage ended in divorce, he was right for me in that being in a relationship with an alcoholic made me grow in ways I may not have otherwise. Yes, it SUCKED at times but that pain was the impetus for finding my spiritual path, learning to meditate and practice yoga- priceless gifts that may have eluded me otherwise. Life with wasband #2 also taught me new tricks like detachment with love, acceptance, forgiveness, how to truly love someone despite their faults and that it is important to make major decisions from a place of peace and love rather than anger and resentment.
  4. I am not ready for the kind of relationship I want.  I am self-centered, judgmental, overly emotional and equate not getting my way with rejection.  I have a lot more work to do before I am have the proper tools to forge a lasting, loving, satisfying partnership with a man. Plus I need to get my financial house in order which entails centering my career path. I want to be in a real partnership rather than a dependent situation.

Door number 3 had summed it up pretty nicely in the beginning of this whole thing when he said I should just wait and when the time is right it will come to me. So for now I am taking a break and focusing on other things.  I will put my energy into finding a better self and pursuing more study of various disciplines of yoga, Buddhism, and the keys to successful relationships.

I will continue this blog as I continue to learn about relationships and life, something about the journey to make myself a better person.

Who knows?  Right now I am tired and want to work on me.

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2 responses »

  1. I am sorry that the evening did not go well. I take that as a sign, as clearly you do too.

    As for the larger picture, if you’re not ready, if the process isn’t working, if you need to focus on other things, then you should definitely dial things back. It’s good that you recognize what you need to do and are willing to adjust your course as necessary. Hang in there.

    Hugs, my friend.

  2. I totally agree with your decision to change directions and devote your time and energy to self development. Both the expected and the unexpected come out of this. With the greater serenity it brings to you, you will be able to be more receptive to others and relieved of the task of trying to find them; they will find you. And it pleases me to believe you’ll soon be more content.

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