My Rules Concerning Attached Men

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Yep, I am on my soap box again.  Last night’s incident has set me off and here is where my head is today…

Someone recently suggested that I was “making a play” for a man who was already in a relationship.  I found that comment to be hurtful and insulting.  It is my  belief that there are plenty of suitable un-attached men in the world to date without getting entangled in a drama involving another woman and life has certainly re-enforced that concept for me ten fold.

I think that behaving ethically is important not so much for anyone else but because I have to live with myself. By my definition, “making a play” implies initiating connection with someone with the intention of starting a romantic relationship. I have never “made a play” for an attached man in my life.  “Making a play” for someone already in a relationship  is like starting a war- a good outcome is impossible. I have heard stories of women being successful at this sort of thing, meaning they end up with the man in question. But do they really want to be with someone who so easily breaks commitments?

 When an attached person approaches someone outside of their attachment it is absurd to blame the third party. Last night’s incident is a prime example of what pisses me off.  At a party a married man came on to me.  Wedding ring off his finger.  No indication in his conversation that he was attached.  Paying me compliments.  Hinting at potential future meetings.  Just like any single man who was interested would do.  I listened and having been jaded by recent events, I was a bit guarded but mildly open to his attentions. He seemed nice enough as a “single” guy after all. At the END of the evening I asked him if he is married and he hesitates to answer.

Turns out that at several points throughout the evening his wife was within earshot of our conversation – at one point she was sitting about three feet away.  He didn’t bother to introduce me.  He told me how much he  enjoyed my company while she is right there!  I have no idea what was going on. Perhaps I read him all wrong?  Perhaps they enjoy this type of game and go home and have wild sex afterwards?  Not one person at that party bothered to clue me in.  But guess who will be gossiped about as being loose and inappropriate?  Not the man!  Guess who his wife will be pissed off with if she is not a party to this activity?  Maybe him but definitely me.

The dynamic of this situation is what irritates me.

Person A misrepresents themselves to person B. Person B acts on the information provided and Person B gets blamed for wrongdoing. IT IS SO UNFAIR!!!

Why do attached women get so angry at women who get involved with their liar mates?

And not just that…

There is, perhaps worse, the woman who encourages a “friendship” with her husband/boyfriend then gets angry when he makes an advance.

Here is an event in my life that has bothered me for years:

When I was in college, I worked as a hostess in a restaurant.  When I started working there one of the waitresses had just broken up with her boyfriend, a very handsome man who took my breath away upon our first meeting.  She approached me and gave me his telephone number suggesting I call him and ask him out. Despite the intense attraction, I threw his number in the trash and tried to avoid him as much as possible.  Weeks later I ran into him at a party where he made it a point to talk to me.  We stayed out together all night and  though we had a great time and his ex was already involved with someone else, I was uncomfortable with his recent break up status and intended on not seeing him again.  He was persistent in his pursuit, after a few weeks, I caved and his ex-girlfriend became furious with ME. Although her anger was, in my opinion, completely misdirected, it was still awful to think that I had a part in causing her pain. The extra drama around it all was also irritating.

I dated that man for the better part of a year and his ex went on to marry the guy she met post break up but to this day I am sure she would be happy to tell you what a bitch I am.

My standard response when  a(n) married/attached men proposition me I tell them plainly that I hear that they are unhappy  in their current situation and that makes me sad. Then I suggest they might  go see a therapist and work on themselves.

I mean really, Who wants to be in a relationship with a man who would put on such a drama (lie and sneak around) rather than take responsibility for his initial relationship and communicate his feelings, or do the work on himself to satisfy whatever need he has that he goes to such lengths?

As a single mom trying to make a living as a writer, I prefer to keep my life as simple and trouble free as possible.

What are your thoughts or experiences on/with relationship status and dating?

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