Four in the last 10 days. If you have been following this blog you know what the number 4 means in relationship to the number of married men that I feel are crossing boundaries (three described in a recent post and now one more). No details needed. The point is that I have, up until now, been absolutely perplexed by this phenomenon of married or otherwise attached men approaching other women.
Enter Comedian and Author, Steve Harvey and his book, ACT LIKE A LADY, THINK LIKE A MAN. His chapter, aptly titled, Why Men Cheat, explains in simple terms the answer (drum roll)- Because They Can. He goes in to the reasons why and the various roles in the cheating scenario. That plus hearing what feels like 100 men relate their tales of marital woe, rebuffing what feels like an equal number of would be cheaters and listening to dozens of women’s stories who have either been cheated on, cheated on someone or both, I think I get it now.
If you are waiting for me to share my revelations in this post, you will be disappointed. Perhaps another day.
But I will say this:
I have changed my perspective from disgust or flattery (depending on my mood) to mild amusement when married men approach me after reading this book. Men are just programmed to populate the planet and mix up as many gene pools as possible in doing so and sex is not necessarily an emotional experience. That is just plain different than how women are programmed. They don’t mean to be smarmy or rude. They simply want to see what they can get.
Granted, I speak in general terms. I understand that there are different kinds of cheaters and varying circumstances. What Harvey’s book has taught me is that most men (single or attached) start out with the idea of just getting sex from a woman and that if I look at all males from that perspective I can control the outcome. If I can accept that it is just what they do, I can defuse the importance of it and take it for what it is- not a compliment or a slight- just what is.
I have also discovered that if I calmly call a man on the carpet rather than getting all uptight and offended or scared that his mate will hate me for standing there when the man made his advance, he will just laugh about it and brush it off as nothing- which is exactly what it is to him- NOTHING- a try at his luck.
All I have to do to be appropriate is rebuff his advances.
Please know, ladies, that these guys will L-I-E their faces off to get what they want so you have to be very careful. Harvey offers up a 90 day rule for “giving up the cookie” – excellent advice that I totally support.
That way you can avoid situations like the one Delanie Moore, Author of I am Divorced Not Dead
, found herself in when she made out with a man she had just met and then discovered a few days later he was married. Harvey’s 90 day rule gives you the chance to discover whether or not a man is interested in you as long term potential or just sex. (There is more to it than just waiting 90 days but it is a good guideline with which to start.)
Click here to read Delanie’s story – it is a really good example of the lengths a man will go to lure an unsuspecting woman into having sex.
Remember also that this advice is geared towards women seeking a long term committed relationship rather than simply some fun.There is a place for that too but I strongly suggest that you stick with single men for that as well. It makes everyone’s life far less complicated.
Anyone have any good stories to tell along these topics?