I have been thinking a lot about my last blog post (click here to see it) especially since I have been reading a great book by Melody Beattie titled, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. You may be one of the lucky few people who live in the United States of America who is free of codependency and therefore this post may bore you to pieces but for the other 99% of us (and I mean that in the best way possible) this could be relevant.
I was married to a confirmed alcoholic for 12 years so I know I have codependent tendencies. Some of those traits were apparent in my last post about how I obsess over relationships. But now, thanks to Beattie’s book I can articulate the most important factor that prevents me from finding the functional relationship that for which I long (other than shear scarcity of available men).
Here it is:
I am trapped in fear.
I am fearful that I will run from a relationship that could work while also being fearful of staying too long in a relationship that doesn’t work.
As one might imagine, it is difficult to make any sort of movement towards love when one is constantly anxious, continuously analyzing the situation in regards to staying or going.
I am working on being more discerning in order to avoid getting into relationships that have little chance of working out so maybe I am getting better- at least better at taking care of myself.
And here is the good news: If each guy I date teaches me something new about what I need to look for (or what I need to avoid) in a long-term mate, I am destined to end up in a fantastic relationship simply by numbers. In other words- I should be an expert at weeding out the bad prospects before long speeding up the process to finding a great guy.
I already feel I have made loads of progress. 🙂
Beattie offers these words of encouragement:
“We may want and need love, but we don’t need destructive love. And when we believe that, our message will come across clearly.”