Monthly Archives: March 2013

Quality vs Quantity

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Quality vs Quantity

Quality vs Quantity

I am feeling compelled at this time to repeat some advice to people considering divorce:  STOP BLAMING THE OTHER PERSON AND WORK ON YOURSELF! This advice does not apply to you if you are in an abusive situation (and that includes mental, physical or emotional abuse) or  are in a relationship with an addict – in these cases you should get out as soon as possible for your sake and the sake of your children if you have any.  But you other people who fantasize that once you are single again you will have ample opportunity to find someone else who is better than your current significant other – unless you know something I don’t- are plain wrong.

There is quantity out there, I’ll grant you that, but little quality.

Case in point:  I know a perfectly lovely woman who claims she has never had any trouble meeting men to date.  She has often made me jealous at parties with her claims of an endless string of men coming into her life.  Then one fateful night she (after a couple of cocktails) decided to share the wealth and began scrolling through her contacts like a modern day matchmaker to find me a potential mate.  She showed me picture after picture of overweight, t-shirt clad guys with beers in their hands, gun racks and deer heads on the walls behind them complete with stories like “He’s never been married but has two really cute kids.” or “I think his ex is still living in the same house with him.” I was unmoved. I thanked her for trying an apologized for being difficult.  I am sure these are all great guys who would be perfect for the right woman.  They are average American Men and that is the majority of what is available. Call me a snob, bitch or whatever but I am looking for something else. I am searching for Excellence.

And excellence is RARE.

You (like me) will have to turn a lot of stones to find someone fabulous and that takes time.

During that time as a “single person looking” you will have to work on yourself – which is exactly what you needed to do to re-spark  your marriage in the first place so it only makes sense to simply do the work while you are married and enjoy the changes that take place rather than going through all that mess and then trying to find someone else.

-Plus if you stay off the market it means less competition for me 😉

Cad Online?

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I know I have blogged about this before but a recent event has prompted me to re-pose this question:

Why do attached people sign up for online dating sites and represent themselves as single?

It is hard enough to find single people to date when one is in the middle of life.  Do you attached folks really have to dive into our pool and make things difficult for those of us who actively want to stay out of trouble?  for those of us who are actually, purposefully seeking a long-term mate?

I know there are plenty of single, involved or married people out there who would love to meet up with you attached people and have all sorts of fun – and that is fine as long as you are all honest with each other about your status and what you want from a relationship with each other. But could we PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE end the misrepresentation and lying?

You wonderful regular readers are probably wondering what incident set me off this time.  Well, I am so looking forward to sharing this one….

Last Sunday morning the weather here in Central Virginia was disgusting so I hunkered down in my cozy bed (my favorite place in the world) did some writing and caught up on emails.  There were a few SPAM emails that had slipped through and one was for an online dating site that specializes in matching people over 50 called Our Time.  Just for giggles I decided to pop on, fill out a cursory profile and take a gander at what is out there in my geographic area. (If you would like to read about the last time I did something like this click here.) I am scrolling through the multiple photos of moustached men in flannel shirts and cowboy hats sitting on tractors (pretty funny since this is Virginia, not Kansas) and a rather poorly exposed photo of what seems to be a good-looking man catches my eye.  “Hmmmm,” thought I, “This man looks vaguely familiar.”  But I can’t really see his face so I open up his profile and commence reading his self-description.  The words are all too familiar.  I have heard them before from a specific person. I double-check the photo and discover two more pics.  I click. Low and behold it is Mr. Nice Change of Pace from last spring (click here to read first “date” story and here to discover the outcome).

I am flabbergasted.

As far as any mutual friends know Mr. Nice Change of Pace and his girlfriend remain a couple – at least as of a few weeks ago.

So this question immediately pops into my head:

a) Is Mr. Nice Change of Pace the honest, sweet, thoughtful man I thought he was/think he is?

OR

b) Is he a cad that seeks the attention, company and affection of other women behind his girlfriend’s back?

Since the girlfriend has clearly indicated she is uninterested in me contacting her (and frankly, I feel the same way), I will have to trust that the Universe will divulge the answer to this query at the appropriate time.

Which brings me back to…

People who lie about their relationship status ruin the game for  honest folks. It complicates online dating, creating a dangerous environment requiring all manner of caution that inhibits one’s ability to be open to possibilities.  There are countless sad stories of people getting unknowingly involved with married men or women from meeting online and suffering the consequences.

There are sites for attached people who want to hook up with other people and the people who want to hook up with them. Fox Business News did a story about them.  Click here for a link to that story.

I invite attached people to just go to those sits and stay off sites meant for single people. Then we might all be a little happier. 🙂

 

Disclaimer:  I am not suggesting that Mr. Nice Change of Pace is unavailable at this time or that he is a dishonest person. I have no definitive proof of his relationship status. I am only relating that I found his profile with 3 pictures that appear to be recent and a nicely written essay about himself, what he is looking for  on a paid online dating service which prompted me to think about how often attached people sign up on dating sites.

The Ball is Over- what a relief

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The Gym transformed for the Financial Aid Fundraiser

When last I blogged it was a few days before the first event where H2’s girlfriend and I would be present at the same time. ( To read that post for background click here.)  The fundraiser, which I chaired for our daughter’s school, was a smashing success!  It was a great party and everyone had a good time.  H2 was well behaved for the installation of scenery, the event itself and only showed his nasty self during clean up where he charmingly (read sarcasm) snarled at me and complained repeatedly about things over which I had no control.

The obvious question is how did it go with Girlfriend and how did I react.  At the risk of disappointing, I am happy to report zero cat fights.  I was so busy all night running the show and tending to details that I had little time to even think about it and to be honest, even before the event I had abandoned any attachment.  They were guests at my charity event and I was happy to have them there to contribute to the financial aid fund.

I did happen to be at the check-in station when they arrived. Someone noted her obvious discomfort and I felt compassion.  I also knew from experience what sort of night she was in for with H2 and felt sorry for her. Although I avoided any real conversation with either of them, I did, as I did with other guests, check in with them periodically to make sure they were having a good time.  They seemed to be.  During the Live Auction part of the evening, I sat several feet behind them with the other women on the event committee and watched as H2 spent money like it was nothing. My thought was, “I am so grateful I am not going home with him as drunk as he is, have to deal with his “needs” when he is in such a state or wake up tomorrow to assess the financial damage incurred and try to figure out a way to fill the hole left by such recklessness.” Some of the worst hours of my married life followed events like this.  As far as Girlfriend was concerned, I thought that it is lucky for her that they are just dating and can enjoy the benefits of his overspending without suffering the consequences.

I am glad that H2 has found someone who makes him feel good and important in the way that he needs to feel good and important.  Hopefully, he is kind and respectful to her and has grown to treat her like a human being rather than an object.  I guess I will never know but I can hope.

On another note I had a difficult decision to make this past week concerning a really great guy I met over New Years and his geographic unavailability.  This man is so much of what I am looking for that I forgot for a moment that  availability is the key factor for me in the search for a relationship. It took a while but a little gnawing feeling gave way to realization that distance, regardless of the wonderful qualities of person involved, is unacceptable to me.  So I had to break it off.  Ugh.

Self love means being true to oneself.  Without self love we are unable to truly love others.

The quest continues.