Cad Online?



I know I have blogged about this before but a recent event has prompted me to re-pose this question:

Why do attached people sign up for online dating sites and represent themselves as single?

It is hard enough to find single people to date when one is in the middle of life.  Do you attached folks really have to dive into our pool and make things difficult for those of us who actively want to stay out of trouble?  for those of us who are actually, purposefully seeking a long-term mate?

I know there are plenty of single, involved or married people out there who would love to meet up with you attached people and have all sorts of fun – and that is fine as long as you are all honest with each other about your status and what you want from a relationship with each other. But could we PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE end the misrepresentation and lying?

You wonderful regular readers are probably wondering what incident set me off this time.  Well, I am so looking forward to sharing this one….

Last Sunday morning the weather here in Central Virginia was disgusting so I hunkered down in my cozy bed (my favorite place in the world) did some writing and caught up on emails.  There were a few SPAM emails that had slipped through and one was for an online dating site that specializes in matching people over 50 called Our Time.  Just for giggles I decided to pop on, fill out a cursory profile and take a gander at what is out there in my geographic area. (If you would like to read about the last time I did something like this click here.) I am scrolling through the multiple photos of moustached men in flannel shirts and cowboy hats sitting on tractors (pretty funny since this is Virginia, not Kansas) and a rather poorly exposed photo of what seems to be a good-looking man catches my eye.  “Hmmmm,” thought I, “This man looks vaguely familiar.”  But I can’t really see his face so I open up his profile and commence reading his self-description.  The words are all too familiar.  I have heard them before from a specific person. I double-check the photo and discover two more pics.  I click. Low and behold it is Mr. Nice Change of Pace from last spring (click here to read first “date” story and here to discover the outcome).

I am flabbergasted.

As far as any mutual friends know Mr. Nice Change of Pace and his girlfriend remain a couple – at least as of a few weeks ago.

So this question immediately pops into my head:

a) Is Mr. Nice Change of Pace the honest, sweet, thoughtful man I thought he was/think he is?


b) Is he a cad that seeks the attention, company and affection of other women behind his girlfriend’s back?

Since the girlfriend has clearly indicated she is uninterested in me contacting her (and frankly, I feel the same way), I will have to trust that the Universe will divulge the answer to this query at the appropriate time.

Which brings me back to…

People who lie about their relationship status ruin the game for  honest folks. It complicates online dating, creating a dangerous environment requiring all manner of caution that inhibits one’s ability to be open to possibilities.  There are countless sad stories of people getting unknowingly involved with married men or women from meeting online and suffering the consequences.

There are sites for attached people who want to hook up with other people and the people who want to hook up with them. Fox Business News did a story about them.  Click here for a link to that story.

I invite attached people to just go to those sits and stay off sites meant for single people. Then we might all be a little happier. 🙂


Disclaimer:  I am not suggesting that Mr. Nice Change of Pace is unavailable at this time or that he is a dishonest person. I have no definitive proof of his relationship status. I am only relating that I found his profile with 3 pictures that appear to be recent and a nicely written essay about himself, what he is looking for  on a paid online dating service which prompted me to think about how often attached people sign up on dating sites.


4 responses »

  1. I’ve been pondering this ever since you told me about it several days ago and I’m wondering if it’s some sort of game within his relationship in which they flirt with other people all they want but then go back to each other at night.

  2. I applaud your direction here, Mary, to try and keep the committed or nearly-committed riff-raff off the online singles sites. That’s a nagging problem on most dating sites. But what caught my eye was something different, unrelated to that.

    I saw that you mentioned Our Time, a site I had not heard about, so I, like you, with just the curiosity factor working, penciled in the same rather hurried profile, uploaded the requisite photos and decided to sit back and see what happened.

    That was Thursday evening.

    Nothing on Friday…maybe six people saw the profile…

    Then the Saturday morning barrage began.

    I was at UVA (I coach the Academic Team at Clover Hill HS and we had a tourney there) and around 10am my phone began to pop with a multitude of flirts and emails (why do women wait till Saturday morning??). Within two hours, over 30 women had viewed my profile and another 10 had either flirted with me or sent me an email. Of that group, two stood out (I wasn’t quite sure why the woman from Belarus even bothered..) As my team was racing to answer questions, I was quietly sitting in the back, racing to keep up with the text messages that came a-flying.

    Long story short. I hooked up with one of the women who seemed closest in interest (and whose residence was within walking distance of my apartment in Short Pump); we had dinner on Saturday night, Brunch on Sunday and enjoyed breakfast as part of our snow day on Monday (as she too is a teacher).

    Not sure if this will be the “one” but I gotta say that I never experienced this kind of results on either Match or eHarmony (though I know OT is a Match spin-off).

    I had pretty much lost faith in the online possibilities, with so many failures. Had promised I would swear off forever. But this one looks serendipitously good. Fate or fantasy?

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