Category Archives: advice needed

We Interrupt This Program: Sadly this is NOT a news flash


I  interrupt the posting of the continuation of Spanish Holiday to bring you this what- is- not- really a news flash anymore:

I was slated for a dinner date with a man tonight.  Someone I met at Salsa who seemed really fun and nice.  I enjoy dancing with him  and he is a little flirty but hey, that is part of the fun of going to a regular Salsa gig.  Anyway, today, by total chance, I learned that he is married with two kids.

Geeze Loueeeze!  That makes 5 married men who hit on me this summer already!

Though it was tempting  to go ahead with our plans for the evening and be wickedly amused by his flirtations and watching him squirm when I asked him to be sure and say “hello” to his wife and kids from me at the end of the evening, I did the responsible thing and texted to cancel the date.  No need to waste my energy even at the expense of a good dinner.

I know the Universe is functioning perfectly but…

Please, please, please, dear readers, send out some good single man karma for me.


So after I posted this I got a phone call from the man in question.  He wanted to know why I had cancelled and I told him that I don’t go out with married men. This was his response: He said in a defensive tone (hold onto your hats, ya’ll, ’cause this is rich),

“I didn’t do anything wrong.  You didn’t ask me if I was married.”

HOW ABOUT  THAT?!!! According to this guy It is my fault he asked me out on a date and I didn’t know he was married!




I just thought I would post this to ignite a conversation.  I have to admit I am a bit skeptical of Suzy’s views here.  Particularly the implication that it is low self worth that makes a woman kid herself that she doesn’t need a man.  I thought it was low self worth that made women think she NEEDS a man.

This is her post:

Tired Of Convincing Yourself You Don’t Need A Man?


WECanDoIT  Tired Of Convincing Yourself You Dont Need A Man?

Sure You Can Do ‘IT’, But Do You Want To?

As a single woman over 40 and beyond there is a conversation that goes on in your mind that you may not even be aware of.

It’s the conversation that tries to convince you that you don’t really need a man in your life.

It can happen during those times you have been feeling lonely and depressed about not meeting a good man.

A romantic movie can trigger that feeling or hearing about a woman from your divorce support group who just got engaged to her ideal mate.

It can be triggered by that feeling of being overwhelmed from handling every problem on your own.

Everything from financial issues, health concerns, car issues, family issues to plumbing issues and the list goes on and on.

Life can be daunting at times even for the resilient type of people that seem to handle everything in stride.

You may be a divorced woman and single mom whose had to climb your way out of the rabbit hole since your divorce.

You’ve worked hard and long to learn what it takes to be a strong, independent woman who can handle everything on your own.

It’s very obvious to anyone that knows you…you don’t need a man in your life. In fact you wear it like a badge of honor.

Or you may be a divorced single woman whose self esteem is damaged to the point that you can’t quite believe that any decent man would be interested in you.

If you’re a single mom you think who would be interested in a woman over 40 with two teenage daughters.

That was what I thought after my divorce.

Or you may be in your 50′s or 60′s and figure you’re too old to attract a man other than a guy in his 80′s.

So you convince yourself that you don’t really need a man in your life.

You can muddle through on your own okay.

In either scenario you’re in denial.

If you’re a strong independent woman you don’t want to deal with all the underlying emotions that are the residue left after divorce or from childhood.

So you play out the role of the strong woman ‘I don’t need a man card’, and that does a very good job at keeping any decent men at bay.

On the other hand if you’re a woman whose self esteem is keeping you stuck… then to protect yourself from the disappointment and rejection… you convince yourself you don’t need a man in your life.

Using your low self worth as your armor you can easily keep yourself hidden from the good guys.

So why do I say you’re in denial?

Because underneath all the pain that divorce bestows on you is the desire to be with a trustworthy man that has your back and will love and cherish you through both the good and the bad times.

And yes men like that do exist, I’m sure you know some of them as husbands or sons of friends.

In order to fulfill your heart’s desire to meet your soul mate you need to stop believing all the myths that are floating around the single women over 40 and beyond crowd.

Myths like:  ‘All the good men are taken after 40′ or ‘Men your age only want to date younger women. ‘

Or what about the self talk you listen to in your head like: I’m too old, too fat, too tired, too busy, too ugly etc.

If you’re finally worn out from convincing yourself that you don’t need a man in your life and are ready to open up to what you really want… then start acting and speaking the truth.

Stop telling your story to yourself or others and start letting friends, family and co-workers know that you are ready and willing to meet quality men.

That’s the first baby step.

By doing this your denial will start open to the truth of what you really want and your ‘authentic self’ will show up in place of the ‘pretend self’ you’ve been showing up with.

Now you will start to see some subtle shifts and changes begin to emerge and you’re on your way freedom through honesty rather than denial.

Suzy Weiss

Dating Coach For Smart Women

A Man and His Dog



Someone once told me that if you want some perspective on how a man will treat you in the long run, take note of how he keeps his car.  The theory goes something like if he maintains his car well, changing the oil regularly and taking care of maintenance wether he does the personally or via a mechanic and keeps it neat and clean he will make sure to take good care of you and work diligently to maintain the relationship.  If the abuses his car, ignoring  regular maintenance and allows it to get dirty and junked up inside and out then it is a sign of how he will be at maintaining your relationship.

That has certainly been my experience with men but I have heard conflicting opinions on that topic.

But what I do know is that you can definitely tell how a man will treat you by observing how he treats his pets particularly his dog.

For example:

A guy can appear to be a loving keeper of his dog, taking it with him whenever possible, letting it sleep in his bed and petting her constantly while he watches TV.  But a little more observation can reveal another side to their interaction.  When the dog can’t  go with him does he leave her for  long periods alone? Does he check to make sure she has water or food before he leaves her?  On weekends does he sleep until afternoon ignoring the dog’s communications to go out though it has been 10 or more hours since her last walk?  How often does he take her on long walks? What grade of  dog food  does he feed her and is there a regular feeding time? If the dog has fur (as opposed to hair like a terrier breed),  how often does he brush and bath her ?  Does he take his dog for regular vet visits and how does he react to the cost of the vet’s services?

Pay close attention to those details because after the first glow of romance fades, he will most likely  treat you in a similar fashion,

So if you want to know how things will be in the long run check out the state of the pooch.

Men out there… Are there any tried and true ways that you know of to determine how a woman will treat you in the long run? I’d like to hear them.

A new attempt at writing a personal ad



If you have been following Dating By Committee you are probably familiar with my experiences (and have a full understanding why I am not on any online dating sites).


Steve Harvey’s advice on setting standards up front to weed out the throw back men from the keepers has inspired me to maybe, just maybe, try it again.

This time instead of writing some lovely romantic narrative on what I like and how fabulous I am, I will write up something much more frank.

It could look like an Audition notice and read something like this:


Seeking adult male  to take on the permanent role of  SUPERMAN  in a long running improvisational production entitled, RESPECT THE GODDESS.

Men seeking this once-in-a-lifetime, plumb role should be 40 + years of age (or  really mature if under 40) , enjoy children, have established careers that they enjoy, positive attitudes, a clear life plan, comfortable with improvisation and  be in good mental and physical health.

Auditionees should be able to jump into an established ongoing production with one adult actress who plays multiple roles (Writer/Mother/ Lover/Goddess),one adult male (college aged son who drops in occasionally) and one young female (tween-aged girl) with the rare visit from Stella the hilarious yet aging Bull Terrier.  Other cast members include: Family who live out-of-town, a parcel of fun/interesting Friends from varying nationalities and backgrounds,  the school fundraising committee, writing colleagues, the Quaker Friends a host of artists of varying mediums, some yogis/yoginis and 2 former actors who lost the privilege of playing this role.

The actor cast will be required to provide some cast meals so you should be able to cook or pay for healthy take-out or restaurants and be able to clean or afford to hire a cleaning service.

Dancing is a plus.

WARNING: Nudity will be required IF you are cast (The Director reserves the right to review serious candidates at her discretion).

The lucky actor cast  will receive the following benefits:

  • love
  • loyalty
  • support
  • intelligent conversation
  • a well managed home
  • a willing traveling partner
  • tickets to cultural events
  • lots of laughs mixed in with the regular stuff
  • an amusing insider’s view of the creative process
  • special attention from a sought after goddess
If interested: send a resume and a brief description of why you think you should be considered for this role.
So what do you think? Anything I should add, delete or otherwise?






Is it Marriage Open Season?


Um.  Did I miss some major announcement/memo/newsflash about an open season on marriage this week?

Tonight marks the third married man who has acted in an inappropriate manner towards me THIS WEEK!  Enough is enough for Krisakes.

The other two were much more subtle: one a little too flirty via email, another too often and too closely in my space at a social event (at one point this guy’s wife stepped in between us much to my relief).  But tonight!  Ugh!

I was sitting in a circle of people chatting together at a party.  Mr. Married Man joins the circle and sits next to me.  After a while he is just talking to me.  I noticed he lacked a wedding ring and any girlfriend type was absent from his side.  So I chatted with him for a while then left the circle.  He followed and wanted to talk some more and after a while he said, “I like you and I am really enjoying talking to you.”  Which was nice at the time because I thought he was single.  He sought me out a few times during the evening and when he was leaving he wanted to give me his card.

As he reached out his hand with the card he said, “Would it be OK if we had a discreet relationship?”

Suspicious, I said, “Why?  Are you married?”

He began to hem and haw.

I said, ” You ARE married, aren’t you?”


he said, “Well….Yes.”

“No,” I said and turned to see a woman who I suppose was his wife, walking towards us.

An hour and a half of flirting with his wife only  a few feet away!  The NERVE!  I swear I was not coming on to this guy.

What kind of game is this?  Do these men just want to see how far they can go with this?  What is the deal?  Am I just supposed to be OK with this because it is so common?


Sparking Doubt




I remain irritated with Christian Carter and his money making scheme.  Partly because he is a guy who is making money off of something that plays off of women’s insecurity (or a gay man’s I suppose since this is about “getting a man”).  Partly because the next section of yesterday’s email has triggered self doubt.

I have always felt comfortable around men.  In fact, at times in my life I have preferred the company of men to women.  Until reading CC’s email, I was confident that men found me attractive and that a man’s desire to be with a woman in a long -term committed relationship was something that happened organically.  I mean, haven’t you met happy couples that you wondered how they ever came together or why they are happily together now?  It is a mystery  not  to be solved by mere mortals.

Looking back on my relationship history, I would say that 95% of the time I broke off the relationship which implies that I have had little trouble sparking that desire in a man to be committed.  H2 would have liked to stay married to me as I recall, the dissatisfaction with the relationship was on my part.

So from where is this ugly doubt coming?

Read the second part of CC’s email which rests between the three number signs:


Ok, Mary,

There are 3 critical elements that you MUST HAVE between you and a man if you want a loving, lasting, and secure relationship.

Ready? Here we go…

Element #1: An Intense Level Of Attraction

Call it “chemistry”.

Call it a spark.

Call it whatever you like, but if a man doesn’t “feel it” for you when it comes to this magic something of chemistry and attraction, then NOTHING ELSE you say or do will matter.

And I mean NOTHING ELSE matters.

You can try and say all the right things.

You can think about him all the time.

And you can do amazing things for him that no other woman could ever know to do for him in his life…

But if that gut-level ATTRACTION isn’t there that tells him deep down inside that he HAS to be with you tonight and every other night… then there isn’t much you can do to change his mind or make him feel differently and really and truly want you.

A man MUST feel a level of attraction for you that goes DEEPER than the physical attraction” that quickly comes and goes, but can seem so “real”.

Unfortunately, lots of women make 2 mistakes when it comes to attraction with men that keep them from ever being able to get past those critical early dating stages where a man will become more emotionally attached and involved with a woman.

These 2 mistakes are:

-Trying to get a man’s interest and attention by using the fast, fun, and easy approach to create physical attraction inside a man (which never does last)

-Not knowing how that deeper level of what I call “Emotional Attraction” works inside a man’s mind that will make him want to emotionally open up and engage with you

These mistakes are the two most common and certain ways to make sure your love life will go nowhere fast with men, even when you have the best of intentions and just want to find a great guy to love and love you back.

There’s a simple truth you need to know…

If you don’t know how attraction works for a man, and how it works differently than how it works for most women, then you’re going to end up running in circles trying to do what you think will work.

And in your attempts at getting a man to like you and want to be with you, you’re going to end up pushing him away since he’ll see you as desperate, needy, clingy, or just plain overly emotional.

The worst part is, there are a lot of really great, smart women who actually know on a conscious level about these mistakes… but they just can’t help but make these same mistakes over and over anyway.

Yet some women seem to have a more natural knack for talking to men, getting their interest, and having men see them as “cool” and desirable. They have a way of being able to AVOID these mistakes and are NEVER seen as desperate, too needy, or generally UNATTRACTIVE when it comes to how they act and feel on an emotional level around men.

The great news is that you can become a “natural” at creating that deeper and more LASTING ATTRACTION with a man. Here’s how:

Maybe I am uncertain that I hold the knowledge of “Emotional Attraction in a man”.  I am fearful that I come across as one of those horrid overly emotional, desperate, overly needy women CC is talking about.
What could possibly be the secret?
Any guesses?
I also dislike that CC’s “program” suggests that some formula must be followed or some game played and that men may be “caught”.  This is all plain disgusting in my view.  It is the “game playing” and falsehoods that we inject into courtships that create long-term relationships on false grounds that eventually topple.
He also implies that there is something wrong with the woman- that she needs to change her behavior or herself to please men.  Seriously?  Everyone should rise to the challenge of self-improvement and growth but to suggest that where one is on their path is wrong is well, wrong.
In fact, now that I think about it, I have known many women who were quite desperate, needy and overly emotional who found mates and still have them.  Obviously they were doing something other than following CC’s program.

A Few Simple Words


Sometimes I check out other people’s blogs and websites that are relevant to what I write about.  I think it is good to know what other people are saying and doing in cases something proves to be helpful or worth checking out.  There is a lot of garbage out there designed to extract money from the wallets of women like dating or relationship advice you have to pay for. I am always skeptical of anyone or anything that promises an intangible like love, longevity, wealth or eternal life for money because I know it is the fastest way to make a fortune on earth.

One day about a month ago I came across this guy, Christian Carter, who self-admitedly  has no training or formal education in psychology or anything else having to do with relationships except that he is a man.  He feels that he can help women “get the guy” they want with a simple program that he has designed.  I tried to get enough info to see if I could figure this guy out and what his “secrets” are for the sake of decreeing his credibility and somehow got on his email list. Aside from being a study in blatant sales pitches (I have an extensive Marketing background and have a sick fascination for this stuff), his emails totally suck me in because I want to see if he will trip up and give some advice for free.  Alas, he is a pro and I waste time combing his words for actual content.

Many times I have considered posing questions on this blog concerning CC’s claims and theories because I am curious about reactions to what he has to say but I have restrained myself because I am unwilling to imply that I  endorse him or anything he says.  But today all resistance is lost.  Today, Christian Carter communicated in an email  that all a woman has to know are the right words and she can have any man eating out of my hand and willing to share all of his inner most thoughts and feelings for the rest of his life.

Great! A script to catch any man for life!!!!  Just what the single middle aged woman needs.

So this is the beginning portion of todays absurdly long email from CC:


Hi Mary,

Do you ever find that your boyfriend or husband doesn’t listen?

Oh, and that he doesn’t talk much to you either?

Which leaves you to wonder… if he doesn’t talk or listen, how in the world are you supposed to have a real relationship?

Here’s the thing: you can have a man be begging to share more about how he thinks and feels with you – IF you know a few simple words that will really get through to him and make a difference.

Men actually do enjoy connecting and sharing… but only when THEY feel inspired to do so.

If you’re tired of the UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT that comes from not knowing how the man in your life really feels and why he’s so disconnected…

And you’d like to create a deeper level of CONNECTION and UNDERSTANDING…

Then it’s time you knew the SECRETS of how to be the one woman a man will love opening himself up to and listen with an open heart. These secrets of how to talk to a man are all right here:


It looks to me like CC is pushing a lot of buttons geared towards the anxieties that women feel in relationships.  More intriguing perhaps, is the mystery of “a few simple words”.

Without buying CC’s program (which I have not reviewed or yet even clicked on the link) what do you suppose those “few simple words” could be?

What to wear? Dancing date dilemma


Tonight I will be having a first date with an interesting man who among other hobbies, likes to dance.  He is into West Coast Swing dancing, something I know very little about but I am a good dancer, enjoy ballroom dancing, am ecstatic to have the challenge of learning something new and potentially have someone to dance with.  Mr. Dancing With The Stars, has arranged for an hour long private dance lesson in a professional studio with a real dance instructor and dinner afterwards.  This guy gets major points in my book already because his first date choice is thoughtful, interesting, fun, challenging and interactive in a socially acceptable way. Much more creative and insightful than just meeting for dinner. He is also capitalizing on an activity that we both enjoy to start out with- I like that.

Of course, I am agonizing  over what to wear.  I want to look good but not suggestive and I am unsure if I should go with something simply dressy casual or a bit more dancey.  I have a great flowy mid- calf length knit (like thick t-shirt) material skirt from J. Crew that would be fun to twirl in but I am fearful it will look odd going out for dinner.  It is way too humid for leggings though they would offer ease of movement.

Shoes are a whole other issue. I am fairly short and like to wear heals often but because I am a little klutzy I usually buy shoes with rubbery soles to help prevent slipping on sidewalks and polished floors.  One needs smooth leather soled shoes for dancing.  I may need to bring shoes to dance in and another pair to wear for the remainder of the evening.  Is that silly? Should I just wear the shoes I plan to dance in and build an outfit around that?

AGGGHHH! It just seems like so many decisions to make on a Friday.

Lately, my daughter and I have been following Dancing With The Stars and my theory is if Melissa Gilbert (a contemporary and attendee at my 25th birthday party, the day lives in infamy because the Redskins were the first team to win the Superbowl after being behind in the first half -or was it scoreless?) has made it this far in the competition there is hope for me in competitive dancing.

Full First Date report coming in the next couple of days.



So I will not be seeing  Mr Nice Change of Pace  again and it has nothing to do with my calling him to invite him somewhere. (to see previous blog on calling etiquette click here)

Apparently, within the last 4 days he has had a change of heart. He sent me a charmingly written “Dear John” email stating he is getting back together with his former(?)/current(?) girlfriend.

It was a nice note and I am grateful for his honesty in the matter as opposed to leading me on or just never contacting me again.  But I am a bit annoyed with my rotten luck.

It is difficult to meet suitable men in my age bracket and downright rare to find a nice one so this is a bit of a blow.  I am also annoyed with the swiftness of the action.  We had lunch on Tuesday when he told me he liked me and would like to get to know me better, on Wednesday he sent me an email suggesting we go on a trip together in the near future and on Saturday morning this email acknowledging that there is potential for a great romantic relationship between us but he is choosing to rekindle his relationship with this other woman.

Of course he wants to keep a friendship going- hinting that if things don’t work out with her we could give it a go.

I need some help here.  How should I respond to that? Thoughts?