Tag Archives: Match.com

Boys of This Summer

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Hope you are enjoying Spanish Holiday.  I am taking a short break from it to fill you in on my current personal life.

School started for my daughter today.  It is a marker not only of her growing up, a new chapter in her life but also the end of summer for both of us and consequently, the end of a time when I tend to date more.

The score for  this summer:  7 married men thwarted, spent some brief time with a divorced guy that just didn’t work out,  2 former lovers rejected, and met 3 “never-been-marrieds”.  One of the latter three men lives in another part of the country so we email and chat on the phone but really there is little opportunity for it to go anywhere though he is wonderful.  One, I just met and we are having a first date soon.  The other one, (I will refer to him as CC), seemed like the most interesting prospect I have come across since my separation from H2 in 2009.  We “dated” (a word used for simplicity) for a month (almost to the day), starting out luke warm, moving on to “we don’t want to date”, advancing to definite interest and official dating -which was lovely, though short-lived – and ending up with him wanting to downgrade back to friends.

(Mary’s rule:  You do not French kiss your friends.)

Though I respect his feelings and am fine with the pursuit of a friendship with this man as I think he is a rare find in so many of the best ways, I am admittedly disappointed. It just seems so hard to find someone with the qualities I now seek.* Plus it felt really good to have someone special in my life.  Nice to get a daily “How is it going?” and “Sleep tight, xo” texts.  Nice to have someone be excited about going places with me and exploring my new home town. And really nice to be genuinely interested in getting to  know someone with the idea of a long term romantic relationship in mind.

I am grateful to have taken it slowly, following Steve Harvey’s advice regarding the 90 day rule,  setting and adhering to standards- saving me a lot of potential emotional turmoil.

So in my post quick- downgrade- blahs I decided to go on match.com just to look and see what was out there.  My original intention was to check out CC’s profile to see how he represented himself in the dating world at large but then since he decided he was uninterested in me romantically, I thought I would just go on to look at what is out there in the area.

Wouldn’t you know it.  Match.com’s number one pick for me is,…. drum roll, …..CC.

Fabulous! The irony nearly drives me to despair.

Oh well, back to the drawing board.  Will be removing my “just looking” profile from match directly.

Chat later,

Mary

* Qualities I am now seeking in a man:

  1. A good sense of humor
  2. An even temper and positive attitude
  3. A willingness to overlook my flaws
  4. A sensitivity to me and what I care about
  5. An ability to express caring in a way I understand
  6. Addiction free (this includes but is not limited to cigarettes, alcohol, legal or illegal drugs, work, sports, sex)
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match.com date #3 part 1: Looking for Casablanca

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So I’ve had two strikes so far with match.com but I decide to stay in the game and hope for a hit.  Date number three is a real estate broker who likes old movies, performing arts and traveling.  He lives in Northern Virginia and has photos of his dog and a beautiful kitchen that he invites his future match to help cook great food and dance around the kitchen.

I love old movies.  In fact I worked in and managed a classic movie house in the early 1980’s where as a popcorn slinging concessionaire wore a flapper outfit.

This guy is well -off, single and we have some fun things in common.  I am hopeful.

We make a plan to meet for champagne at one of my favorite spots in the world, the bar on the roof at the Hotel Washington.  I only have an hour or so as I have plans with my friend, Danielle for the evening.  We email during the few days before we are supposed to meet and I call him from the car as I am leaving Richmond to head to DC and he says he is at the pool with his son and cannot make it.  Well , what is up with that?  Did he not know he would have his son that day when we made the initial plan?  I strike it up to a misunderstanding and go through with my other plans but put a bit on my guard.  We set a different time to meet the following weekend this time for dinner in Olde Towne.

He emails me how he can’t wait to see me and seems a little too into this but whatever, I promised myself three dates and we are already booked.  As things shake down the day we are supposed to meet, I need to leave my friend’s house a little earlier than planned,  I call Match#3 to let him know I can meet earlier, implying we can spend more time together and he gets upset. “I don’t know about you,” he says.  “You keep changing plans and you are making this sound like you just want a drive-by and go on home.”  I explain that I was still planning to have dinner with him and I thought it would be nice to meet earlier and have more time together and then he calmed down a bit.

He agreed to meet me at 5:00pm at a Tapas place for a glass of Sangria.  When I arrived, a few minutes late due to parking, there was a carafe of Sangria already on the table about half empty.  I have a glass and we are getting along swimmingly.  We talk about movies we like and fun places we’ve been.  He is good looking and charming. It all seems good.

Check back soon for the next installment of match.com date #3:

match.com date #2

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match.com date #2

So match date #1 was a bust, a nice guy but he was going to find a better mate in someone else.  My coworkers listened to my lunch date story and agreed that ultimately this man would be miserable with me and vise verse but they liked musing about it anyway.

The next date was much more interesting and at first seemed promising.

This man was my age or maybe a year older, close anyway. Never been married but he explained in his well-written profile about how he had dedicated his life thus far to his business and was now searching for love and commitment.  He was into travel and foreign culture, music and yoga. He had traveled all over the world with his work as a founding member and marketer of an internationally known product that had just gone public the previous year.  I checked the IPO and determined with the help of a friend in the investment business that he had made in the neighborhood of 23 million dollars in the deal.  He also played in a band.

Art, travel AND serious money, I thought this was a match made in heaven.

We met for coffee and I knew immediately I had met him before.  It took a couple of days to remember but I did.  More on that later.

We had a lovely time at coffee.  He had a sweet, unassuming demeanor (so refreshing in a man of great wealth) and I enjoyed talking with him about what we like to do and what our goals are for life.  He asked so sheepishly if I would like to have dinner with him, it tugged at my heartstrings.  I happily agreed and we made plans to eat at one of my favorite restaurants the following week.

During the week we settled plans and communicated a little more.  I googled him, of course, and everything checked out just fine.  We decided to meet at his home, the top floor of a duplex in a nice part of town.  He explained he lived in this apartment because he was single, had just come into his money and was waiting to find a more permanent home after he found his love. I also wanted to see his taste and collection of Buddha statues (which I also collect).

I also remembered where I had previously met him.  Fifteen years prior, when I was dating the man who became my second husband, I had met Match #2 in a vintage clothing store.  He was interesting to talk to and told me about his new business venture.  He had liked me then and the woman who owned the shop later told me that he was interested in going out with me but I declined as I was already involved with someone else.  Interesting, huh?

So back to summer of 2010:

The date night came and I excitedly drove to his house. When I arrived he was as sweetly charming as he had been in the coffee shop and thrilled to show me his apartment.  He offered me a glass of champagne – how fabulous is that?- and we walked to the kitchen to prepare it.  When he opened the refrigerator is was packed with bottles of champagne.  There was nothing else.  Just about three cases of good champagne.  Hmmmm.

So he pours me a glass and he proceeds to show me his place.  The decor is a cross between bachelor pad and just out of college.  Box springs and mattresses on the floor, Ikea shelves, modern leather chairs in the den complete with gigantic television and stereo system- very interesting for a man almost fifty years old.  It was all neat, clean and organized, though.  So much so that during the tour I picked up one of the small Buddha statues to look at it and put it back in approximately the same spot. Then he adjusted it.  “Interesting,” I thought.  So I picked up another one and consciously put it back exactly the way I thought it should go and – adjustment.  Hmmmm.

Now I have a child living at home and at the time I had a dog also.  Those two creatures are not always neat, clean and tidy.  I knew immediately that this man would have a problem living in such a chaotic environment but, you know, adjustments can be made and certainly he could afford to arrange to accommodate a compromise like living in a gigantic house in which he could be separated from the mayhem or having a staff on hand to keep the place spotless and picked up.  Not a deal breaker but an obstacle.

Fast forward to dinner.  He drives to the restaurant in his nice but sedate car. He has had two glasses of champagne that I have seen him drink and he starts to order more drinks.  He consumes at least four glasses of wine to my one and a Port.  He started talking to my cleavage after the first glass of wine and made a comment about me covering up when I got chilly and put a wrap over my shoulders.  By desert he was telling stupid jokes and his persona had changed dramatically from really nice to utterly obnoxious.

At the end of the meal I ordered a favorite rare fig port which intrigued him so he ordered one as well. His face screwed up like a child after a spoonful of icky tasting medicine at his first sip. I remarked on his apparent dislike of the wine and said something stupid about how he didn’t have to drink it to which he answered, “I never met an alcohol he didn’t like.” Huge red flag.

When I realized that I had ten minutes to get home at the time the babysitter was expecting me, he was annoyed.  I should have called a cab but was concerned about waiting and being late.  So we hopped in his car after hurrying the bill and headed back to his place where my car was parked.

It was August in the south around 9:20 at night and we are driving through a residential area of the city.  People are out on the streets enjoying the cooler-than-day air.  College kids and families are out walking.  Kids are riding bikes.  There are a lot of people out and about.  Halfway to his house and midway in a block when the traffic light at the end of that same block turned yellow.  Rather than be mindful of the people on the streets, this guy smashes the gas peddle and speeds through the light!  I am horrified and tell him that though I appreciate the gesture of trying to get me back to my car quickly so I can be respectful of the sitter’s time that I would prefer he slow down and get us there without incident.  The next block he does the same thing, guns the car from halfway in the block through a yellow light at the intersection.  Now I am past annoyed.  I am getting to disgusted.  His action simply demonstrated a self-centeredness that is inexcusable.  A lack of consideration for the people around him, most importantly me.

So we do manage to get to arrive at our destination without killing anyone- a relief – and he pulls into the enclosed parking area behind his house.  There are three ways out of this parking area: 1. the automatic gate used by the car, 2. up a flight of stairs to his apartment, a walk through to the front and downstairs to the front door or 3. a gate in the side of the tall fence surrounding the parking area that goes directly to the street.  My car is parked on the street just the other side of that gate.  He starts to go up the stairs to his apartment as I begin to step towards the gate.  He says, “You’ll need to come up so you can get to your car,” meaning I will need to go up to his apartment, walk through to the front and walk down the steps to the front door to get to the street.  Of course, there is no reason on earth for me to go into his apartment if my intention is only to immediately leave.  Remember, I am late to get home to relieve the sitter who for the first time ever has given me a deadline- plus I am paying the sitter which means this disastrous date has cost me significantly not to mention the money spent on coloring my hair and time getting ready.  Anyway, I can only deduce that this guy has some other ideas as to why I should come up to his apartment so I point out to him (with my hand physically on the gate) that I can simply go out this gate and my car is right there and he gets visibly irritated.

I mean, really!  We’ve been to dinner not Paris!

He reluctantly walks me to my car after I specifically ask him to do so, it IS night time in the city after all and good manners should dictate such an action.

We did NOT make another date although he has since asked to be my friend on Facebook.

Two down. One to go and I am a bit disillusioned with match.com at this point.

about match

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Here is what happened when I went on match.com:

When I first went to the site, there was an invitation to “browse before buying”.  So I went to browse and in less than two seconds found a picture of a handsome man and clicked on it to read his profile.  It was a though I had made him up in my head.  He was in his mid-fifties, lives in Middleburg, had been in the horse business and loves horses, divorced, his kids were grown (youngest in college), he had traveled all over the world, lived in a foreign country and wanted to travel more, plus he practiced yoga.  There were pictures of him doing out doors things and at a black tie gala – oh, and did I mention he enjoys the performing arts and practices yoga?  I frantically joined Match in order to meet THIS man in particular and set about writing up my profile.  It took several hours to get my profile just right ( I am a writer, I can’t just put anything out there) and when I finally finished and searched for this guy to show him how utterly perfect we would be together, his profile had been removed.  AAAAGGGGHHH!

Frantic, I immediately called Match and asked to be removed.  The explanation I offered was, “I don’t want to meet men, I just want to meet that man.”  Match, of course, would not hear of it.  The understanding customer service rep did upgrade my account for free, however- oh great (she wrote sarcastically).

(If you would like to try match.com for free for 72 hours, click here)

That was late night on a Thursday.

I left my profile up over the weekend and by Monday morning there were 356 responses.

Here is what I learned about match pretty quickly.  This is far from news for anyone who has tried it.

The majority of men lie about their:

  1.  height– they always say they are taller than they are
  2. income– they tell you they make more than they do
  3. activities– they sound much more active than they are (Every man except one I communicated with who put yoga on their activity list had tried yoga only once. The exception really practiced Qui gong.)
  4. physical fitness– they say they are in better physical condition than they really are
  5. commitment level– they say they are interested in love but, well… some might actually be but most seem to be just looking for sex
(Click here for a link to a Huffington Post blurb that shows similar findings.)
I culled the list down to three.  What fun that was!  There were some pretty humorous characters like the marine who basically wanted a subservient sex slave (he actually mentioned lingerie in his profile) whose profile picture had him holding a  big fish (demonstrating his ability to provide food?),  the cowboy who went on about how depressed and broke he was (does that attract women?) and the guy who looked gay who created a “prince charming” platform including mention of a glass slipper. My coworkers and I were entertained for days.  It certainly made the slow time in our office go by much faster! The married women were the most engaged in the process, living vicariously through my date search misery.
The three men I picked were quite different and good “prospects” for varying reasons.  I shall describe each of them and our dates in future posts. Please know now that  the dates spanned a spectrum that went from reasonably normal to bizarre, the first being normal the last being nothing short of scary.

My experience with Match.com

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Online Dating Magazine estimates that more than 20 million people visit at least one online dating service a month. (Online Dating Magazine – 2007) 

I know that many people meet online these days.  Almost every other person I ask about introducing me to nice single men tells me a story about a happy couple that met online.  I know of at least four couples who met online.  There is some statistic going around that claims something like a quarter of marriages in this country result from people meeting online.  I don’t know if that is true, but for more statistics on online dating click here.  
Online dating has certainly proven to be great for some people.  But for me, a person with man choosing disorder, it is nothing short of hell.  During the summer of 2010, my well-meaning coworkers thought I should try online dating because, like so many middle-aged single women, I was having trouble meeting SINGLE middle aged men.  In an effort to humor them, I agreed to sign up for a service and go out on a minimum of three dates.  I will tell you all about my experiences with Match and those three dates in the next few posts.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Needless to say, it was an adventure.