Tag Archives: relationships

Valentine’s for One

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Valentine’s is traditionally the day that sweethearts exchange tokens of affection. For single people this can be a reminder of the state of “singleness” resulting in discomfort or sadness. I have experienced this myself and dreaded February 14 as a day of isolation and loneliness.

Happily, with some effort on my part, that has changed.

Over the many years I have spent single, I have learned a very important lesson:

I need to be the most important person in my life – Period.

So I have decided to make Valentine’s the day I celebrate love for myself  just as a lover or partner might. I buy myself a card and/or flowers, indulge in a chocolate or three and take myself out to a movie or other treat like a pedicure. I avoid  places where there will be loads of couples, like restaurants. I tell myself, “I love you”, throughout the day too – which may seem silly but it is fun.

The result: February 14th is now a day I look forward to with the enthusiastic anticipation of a second grader who will receive a shoebox full of cards and treats.

Whether you are single or partnered, you are the one person you will be with and care for for your entire life – so, like the song says: love the one you’re with!

What are ways you can celebrate self love today?

Note: For a great meditation for self love look up Sarah Blondin’s “Loving and Listening to Yourself” from her Coming Home to Yourself series.

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Seriously?

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So I will not be seeing  Mr Nice Change of Pace  again and it has nothing to do with my calling him to invite him somewhere. (to see previous blog on calling etiquette click here)

Apparently, within the last 4 days he has had a change of heart. He sent me a charmingly written “Dear John” email stating he is getting back together with his former(?)/current(?) girlfriend.

It was a nice note and I am grateful for his honesty in the matter as opposed to leading me on or just never contacting me again.  But I am a bit annoyed with my rotten luck.

It is difficult to meet suitable men in my age bracket and downright rare to find a nice one so this is a bit of a blow.  I am also annoyed with the swiftness of the action.  We had lunch on Tuesday when he told me he liked me and would like to get to know me better, on Wednesday he sent me an email suggesting we go on a trip together in the near future and on Saturday morning this email acknowledging that there is potential for a great romantic relationship between us but he is choosing to rekindle his relationship with this other woman.

Of course he wants to keep a friendship going- hinting that if things don’t work out with her we could give it a go.

I need some help here.  How should I respond to that? Thoughts?

Who should call whom? Is this a valid question in today’s dating world?

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The other day I read a blog post by Suzy Weiss a dating coach for women over 40.  In her blog, WHAT MEN REALLY WANT IN A WOMAN Suzy discusses the “calling issue” where she suggests that women should not call men until a relationship is established.  She relates the story of a woman named Patty who called a man after the first date to invite him to a concert for which she had tickets and what happened next when the man didn’t call her.  Suzy suggests that by calling the man, thus “chasing” him, the woman ruined her chances with him.  I thought, maybe it was her having sex with him on their third date that killed that one but what do I know?

I am unsure how I feel about this topic of whether or not to call a man.  I tend to lean towards getting to know someone as a friend before considering a romance (not that I have done that before but it is why I am working on that now) and so calling him seems just fine.

What are your thoughts?  In the middle of life what should be one’s policy for calling?  And for you coupled people:  What is your story?  Was there some sort of “chasing” thing set up to facilitate a “catch” or not.  Please share your thoughts and stories.

The Core of Longing

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OK.  This is philosophical.

If you have been following along so far, you know that I am doing some work on myself, which I believe is totally necessary for anyone to be prepared for a healthy relationship – particularly for people like me who are relationship challenged.  The good news is that I have been, for many years, working in the right direction in terms of collecting tools to make a relationship work.  The bad news I have been using them incorrectly. (More on that in future blog.)

Today I want to share a fantastic summary of what I ultimately want in a relationship as brilliantly defined by Charlotte Kasl in her book If The Buddha Dated:

Our longing is also our desire to be known completely. Imagine having your beloved look tenderly into your eyes, knowing all your secrets, having seen you be crabby and sweet, selfish and generous, and still truly loving you. Imagine being able to do the same.  That is the potential of a conscious relationship.

Based on what I have been reading and learning by observation of successful relationships (yes, I actually know couples who are in healthy, functional committed relationships) is that a key ingredient for achieving the above described love is honesty and the ability to express one’s needs, emotions and opinions healthfully and to have those communications be respectfully listened to and vice verse.  Therefore it is paramount that THE man has those capabilities.

In the previous paragraph Kasl describes my second biggest fear (following abuse) in a relationship, what I call the zombie effect:

If you seek only refuge, security, and comfort, you imprison your relationship and the vitality will wane.  Krishnamurti, the renowned spiritual teacher and author of numerous books, wrote, “If in a relationship there is no tension [meaning no deepening of knowledge of self and others], it ceases to be a relationship and merely becomes a comfortable sleep state, an opiate- which most people want and prefer.”

Security will be important this time around but must be one of several factors to consider.  Dear DBT, please keep this in mind.

COMING SOON:  what I am looking for in a man….