Tag Archives: shoe guy

Men to Avoid: The Rejection-Sensitive

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You may recall that the inspiration for this series of posts (Men to Avoid) was an article I found in the June issue of Psychology Today.  (click here to view first post of the series.) Now that I am planning work on my first novel, The Stalker (working title), the stalker type or rejection-sensitive man has been lurking around in my brain.  Rejection sensitive people take everything personally and perceive slights in your words and actions regardless of actuality.  As the article aptly puts it, “They become unglued at the hint of disapproval.”

When the RS feels rejected they may react in many different ways usually whining if they have the wherewithal to communicate their feelings,bizarrely out of context anger or in some passive aggressive way like stalking. You have to walk on eggshells around these people because they are waiting for you to slight them and they take everything personally.  The Shoe Guy was rejection sensitive.  He barraged me with nasty texts after I politely suggested he look for his ideal mate elsewhere.  (To see more about the shoe guy click here. )

I knew a man like this in college and have met at least one more recently.  These guys seemed like nice, quiet, people on the exterior but were always listening for signals or creating them in their minds that they were being rejected. The guy I knew in college was part of a circle of friends who often hung out together.  I fail to recall him asking me out for a date but apparently he felt that I had spurned him and started calling me at random intervals around the clock.  This was before caller id and cell phones (ouch, who remembers that?) so I had no idea that it was he until I had moved to NYC and the calling suddenly started up again when he showed up in town. Eventually, his circumstances changed and he stopped stalking me.

The other guy went off the handle during our first (and last) outing.  I made a purposefully overly shallow remark in a conversation with a waiter as a joke and this guy began to seethe.  But rather than asking me to clarify what I meant he took the words that were neither spoken to him nor about him personally and a couple of hours later lit into me with some fairly bitter words.  I was astonished that he had interpreted the passing remark as being about him and shocked at the lack of social savvy and communication skills he displayed.  A mutual friend later revealed that he had been cyber stalking me since.

The best thing to do is to avoid people like this if at all possible.  If you must associate with them, say as little as possible and keep the focus and conversation on them.  The less you say, the less clay they have to mold into perceived rejections.

Have you ever had a run in with this type of person? If so, how did you handle it?

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Men to Avoid: Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

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Disney portrayed the liar as a charming, helpless boy but unless you want to be someone’s mother you may want to avoid this type of man.

We all tell little white lies from time to time like shaving a pound or two off our weight on our driver’s license or not reporting that $300.00 income from our garage sale on our income taxes (that was more than 7 years ago, Feds, so you can forget nailing me for that one).  But lying becomes a problem when it is chronic.  It is immaterial whether the lies seem big or small, the constant liar lacks a moral compass and/or basic consideration for other people. There is also usually a good bit of denial and some pretense of protection attached to the lies which may justify them to the liar and at first seem like plausible excuses to other parties.

The tennis guy who was really married when he represented himself as available for example. (click here for his story) He failed to think for a moment he was doing anything wrong in exploring other relationships because he felt unsatisfied in his marriage and his wife was living with a relative.  Though they had not officially decided that they were separated, in his mind he was single by her absence and free to seek out other relationships. That is denial.  In his mind he was being truthful and to a different woman this logic may seem plausible.

A girlfriend of mine told me last week that she heard somewhere that something life 40% of the men on match are married and looking for some action.  I checked this and found the following statistic from Online Dating Magazine:

“In fact, according to MSNBC, research shows that one third of people using online dating services are married! ”

So it’s 33.3% of men on online dating services rather than 40% on Match but that is still alarming.

During some of my single  friend commiseration sessions I have repeatedly heard of deceptions from people they have met on online dating sites where a man will represent himself as taller, in better shape and with a significantly higher income.  The first two lies are easily catchable the first time you meet someone the income one may be harder to figure. Of course it may be understandable that someone may have a different idea about what is an athletic build than I do but the height thing?  You should know how tall you are. Especially within a n inch.  These guys show up and they are three to four inches shorter than they claim.  That is absurd.  Rest assured if this man has misrepresented himself in the  height category he is misrepresenting himself elsewhere.

During my short foray into the world of match.com, I repeatedly came across men who claimed to practice yoga.  When I would ask them about their yoga practice they would tell me they tried it once at the gym.  Trying yoga once at the gym is very different in my mind than being into yoga. Was that just a hook to get hot yoga chics interested? The “Shoe Guy” was also a liar in addition to being off the charts weird.  He is one of those guys who said he was taller, in better shape and he said he loved to cook yet in reality he eats all of his meals out except Sunday mornings when his son visits.  He even went so far as to post pictures of his newly renovated kitchen  on his profile page to show his love of cooking.  This is visual crack to a foodie like me and that is exactly what he wants – someone to cook FOR him rather than with him. (Well, what I think he really wants is a hooker and a house maid/cook but whatever.  To read about The Shoe Guy click here.)

Lies of all types are bad disallow for a functioning relationship.  If one party is lying then the other party lacks the information to act in a way that it right for them.  I dated a man once who had traveled to Thailand just before we started seeing each other.  Prior to engaging in any sexual activity I asked him if he had enjoyed any of the plentiful and world famous hookers there – human petri dishes for HIVAIDS at the time.  He clearly said he had not.  Based on that answer I mentally gave him the green light as a sex partner and weeks later we began that aspect of our relationship. We broke up after a time but years later he contacted me to report he was HIV positive and suspected that he contracted it in the whorehouses he visited in Thailand. I was furious. I was tested (and have been tested many times since) and thankfully am negative for the virus but that lie could have cost me my life and the lives of  X2 and my children. If he had been honest from the get go I would have had the information to make a decision that was right for me and kept our relationship platonic. What may have seemed a little white lie to him at the time, a way to get in my pants, could have turned out to be a deadly situation for more than one person. And yes, he lied about other stuff too which is one reason I broke up with him.

That experience is why I insist that a man be tested for STDs  and shows me a documented clean bill of health before I will have sex with him.  This weeds out the casual sex seekers from the more serious minded men pretty quickly and is what is necessary to be respectful of my own body and health.

Back to the liars.  Stay on the lookout and be vigilant.  If something a man says or does feels strange to you dig deeper.  Ask questions. Do a background check.  At the very least if he said online he was 6’2″ and he turns out to be 5’11” shake hands at the end of your first date and tell him you wish him good luck finding his match- ELSEWHERE.

What stories do you have about liars in your dating world?