Monthly Archives: June 2012

Sparking Doubt

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I remain irritated with Christian Carter and his money making scheme.  Partly because he is a guy who is making money off of something that plays off of women’s insecurity (or a gay man’s I suppose since this is about “getting a man”).  Partly because the next section of yesterday’s email has triggered self doubt.

I have always felt comfortable around men.  In fact, at times in my life I have preferred the company of men to women.  Until reading CC’s email, I was confident that men found me attractive and that a man’s desire to be with a woman in a long -term committed relationship was something that happened organically.  I mean, haven’t you met happy couples that you wondered how they ever came together or why they are happily together now?  It is a mystery  not  to be solved by mere mortals.

Looking back on my relationship history, I would say that 95% of the time I broke off the relationship which implies that I have had little trouble sparking that desire in a man to be committed.  H2 would have liked to stay married to me as I recall, the dissatisfaction with the relationship was on my part.

So from where is this ugly doubt coming?

Read the second part of CC’s email which rests between the three number signs:

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Ok, Mary,

There are 3 critical elements that you MUST HAVE between you and a man if you want a loving, lasting, and secure relationship.

Ready? Here we go…

Element #1: An Intense Level Of Attraction

Call it “chemistry”.

Call it a spark.

Call it whatever you like, but if a man doesn’t “feel it” for you when it comes to this magic something of chemistry and attraction, then NOTHING ELSE you say or do will matter.

And I mean NOTHING ELSE matters.

You can try and say all the right things.

You can think about him all the time.

And you can do amazing things for him that no other woman could ever know to do for him in his life…

But if that gut-level ATTRACTION isn’t there that tells him deep down inside that he HAS to be with you tonight and every other night… then there isn’t much you can do to change his mind or make him feel differently and really and truly want you.

A man MUST feel a level of attraction for you that goes DEEPER than the physical attraction” that quickly comes and goes, but can seem so “real”.

Unfortunately, lots of women make 2 mistakes when it comes to attraction with men that keep them from ever being able to get past those critical early dating stages where a man will become more emotionally attached and involved with a woman.

These 2 mistakes are:

-Trying to get a man’s interest and attention by using the fast, fun, and easy approach to create physical attraction inside a man (which never does last)

-Not knowing how that deeper level of what I call “Emotional Attraction” works inside a man’s mind that will make him want to emotionally open up and engage with you

These mistakes are the two most common and certain ways to make sure your love life will go nowhere fast with men, even when you have the best of intentions and just want to find a great guy to love and love you back.

There’s a simple truth you need to know…

If you don’t know how attraction works for a man, and how it works differently than how it works for most women, then you’re going to end up running in circles trying to do what you think will work.

And in your attempts at getting a man to like you and want to be with you, you’re going to end up pushing him away since he’ll see you as desperate, needy, clingy, or just plain overly emotional.

The worst part is, there are a lot of really great, smart women who actually know on a conscious level about these mistakes… but they just can’t help but make these same mistakes over and over anyway.

Yet some women seem to have a more natural knack for talking to men, getting their interest, and having men see them as “cool” and desirable. They have a way of being able to AVOID these mistakes and are NEVER seen as desperate, too needy, or generally UNATTRACTIVE when it comes to how they act and feel on an emotional level around men.

The great news is that you can become a “natural” at creating that deeper and more LASTING ATTRACTION with a man. Here’s how:

http://www.CatchHimKeepHim.com/NALA

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Maybe I am uncertain that I hold the knowledge of “Emotional Attraction in a man”.  I am fearful that I come across as one of those horrid overly emotional, desperate, overly needy women CC is talking about.
What could possibly be the secret?
Any guesses?
I also dislike that CC’s “program” suggests that some formula must be followed or some game played and that men may be “caught”.  This is all plain disgusting in my view.  It is the “game playing” and falsehoods that we inject into courtships that create long-term relationships on false grounds that eventually topple.
He also implies that there is something wrong with the woman- that she needs to change her behavior or herself to please men.  Seriously?  Everyone should rise to the challenge of self-improvement and growth but to suggest that where one is on their path is wrong is well, wrong.
In fact, now that I think about it, I have known many women who were quite desperate, needy and overly emotional who found mates and still have them.  Obviously they were doing something other than following CC’s program.
Thoughts?
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A Few Simple Words

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Sometimes I check out other people’s blogs and websites that are relevant to what I write about.  I think it is good to know what other people are saying and doing in cases something proves to be helpful or worth checking out.  There is a lot of garbage out there designed to extract money from the wallets of women like dating or relationship advice you have to pay for. I am always skeptical of anyone or anything that promises an intangible like love, longevity, wealth or eternal life for money because I know it is the fastest way to make a fortune on earth.

One day about a month ago I came across this guy, Christian Carter, who self-admitedly  has no training or formal education in psychology or anything else having to do with relationships except that he is a man.  He feels that he can help women “get the guy” they want with a simple program that he has designed.  I tried to get enough info to see if I could figure this guy out and what his “secrets” are for the sake of decreeing his credibility and somehow got on his email list. Aside from being a study in blatant sales pitches (I have an extensive Marketing background and have a sick fascination for this stuff), his emails totally suck me in because I want to see if he will trip up and give some advice for free.  Alas, he is a pro and I waste time combing his words for actual content.

Many times I have considered posing questions on this blog concerning CC’s claims and theories because I am curious about reactions to what he has to say but I have restrained myself because I am unwilling to imply that I  endorse him or anything he says.  But today all resistance is lost.  Today, Christian Carter communicated in an email  that all a woman has to know are the right words and she can have any man eating out of my hand and willing to share all of his inner most thoughts and feelings for the rest of his life.

Great! A script to catch any man for life!!!!  Just what the single middle aged woman needs.

So this is the beginning portion of todays absurdly long email from CC:

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Hi Mary,

Do you ever find that your boyfriend or husband doesn’t listen?

Oh, and that he doesn’t talk much to you either?

Which leaves you to wonder… if he doesn’t talk or listen, how in the world are you supposed to have a real relationship?

Here’s the thing: you can have a man be begging to share more about how he thinks and feels with you – IF you know a few simple words that will really get through to him and make a difference.

Men actually do enjoy connecting and sharing… but only when THEY feel inspired to do so.

If you’re tired of the UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT that comes from not knowing how the man in your life really feels and why he’s so disconnected…

And you’d like to create a deeper level of CONNECTION and UNDERSTANDING…

Then it’s time you knew the SECRETS of how to be the one woman a man will love opening himself up to and listen with an open heart. These secrets of how to talk to a man are all right here:

http://www.CatchHimKeepHim.com/CommunicationSecrets

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It looks to me like CC is pushing a lot of buttons geared towards the anxieties that women feel in relationships.  More intriguing perhaps, is the mystery of “a few simple words”.

Without buying CC’s program (which I have not reviewed or yet even clicked on the link) what do you suppose those “few simple words” could be?

Gratitude for Thoughtful Men

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A couple of weeks ago I met a man at a cocktail party.  We had a nice chat and seemed to have some things in common, a comfortable energy between us.  When it was time for me to leave I asked him if he would like to continue our chat over coffee sometime and upon his agreement I gave him my card so he could contact me to arrange a time.  A week passed and nothing.  I thought perhaps I had misread his enthusiasm and chalked his lack of contact up to dry spell karma.

Then I ran into him at a charity function this weekend.

He greeted me like an old friend.  The words that came out of my mouth were, “Oh yeah, You’re the guy who didn’t call me.”  Not in a mean way but more in a laughing teasing way.  He laughed too, in a relaxed manner rather than a “you got me” way.  We had another nice conversation and some good interaction throughout the evening and I just figured he is a nice guy and he has his reasons for just not being into me- whatever.

Then later in the evening he explained himself.  He is in the process of ending a relationship and wanted to spare me from the drama.  He preferred to be emotionally ready before getting involved.

I was thrilled to hear this.  What a lovely change of pace from the last , Oh I don’t know, 6 men I have been out with!  I was so touched I just wanted to kiss him right there (Please know,I restrained my self – I am so proud.)  Finally, a man who could put my feelings first!  A guy who at minimum has the sense not to start a relationship before his current relationship is finished in every sense. I am so grateful to know that someone like this exists.  A nice guy.  And you can bet your bottom dollar that if I am still available when he IS ready to date  I would be honored to go out with him.

Do you know any men like this?  If so where did you meet them?

Dance Like There’s Nobody Watching: Take Yourself Out on a Date

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All this talk about me to avoid has sent some avoidance energy out into the Universe and men are currently avoiding me like the plague.  But I am putting myself out there, not really looking but taking care of myself and being open to all possibilities.

 

One thing that I am passionate about it dance.  Music just speaks to my soul and ignites my body into movement.  I had dreams of being a professional dancer ( a Rockette – but alas I am too short) when I was smaller and had a vision once that I was a prima ballerina dancing in The Nutcracker.  I took Jazz, Tap and Ballet as a child, went to every school dance and cherished the hours learning to ballroom dance at Cotillion. I started going to bars to dance at age 14, mastered all the disco era dances and spent innumerable hours in clubs all over the world dancing, dancing, dancing.  At nearly 50 I can still kick my legs head height with nary a warm up.  Aerobics and Zumba have been my only outlets for this passion of late but Saturday night’s Salsa Concert inspired me.

 

Sunday night I went to a Salsa Party at a local bar.  From 8 – 9PM there was a lesson and from 9 on a Latin dance party.  I showed up for the lesson and a very interesting young man that I met through a mutual friend was there by coincidence.  He is tall and cute in that Keanu Reeves kind of way, full of positive energy and interesting stories as a foreign correspondent in Asia.  He probably thinks of me like that cool older woman close to his mother’s age but so what?  I really don’t need every man to adore me in a romantic way just the right one.

 

 

 

Keanu Reeves

Anyway, the dance lesson was great because most of the people there were single and the instructor gave us the chance to meet everyone by having us rotate partners often.  The atmosphere was so relaxed and fun, everybody just dances with everybody and there is a total lack of tension- it was a blast.  I met some fun, interesting, diverse people,  danced with some great dancers (as well as some who were not so great but full of enthusiasm) and participated in an activity that feeds my soul.  I felt like I found a new family and look forward to going again in the coming months.

 

I left with my Keanu look alike friend and some other dancers to have a drink at a nearby bar.  On the way to the bar, her made the comment, “That was so much fun! I am definitely coming back. There were so many beautiful women my age there it was great!”   Ouch! Did he have to include the “my age” in that sentence?  Those two words stung a bit but he is so sweet and I knew he didn’t mean anything by it because of course, I am not in that club, I am his mom in his mind.

 

Anyway, a good time was had by all and the activity just reinforced the notion that this is my life and it is up to me to make it extraordinary.

 

What is something you would like to try or love to do of which you have been depriving yourself?

Men to Avoid: The Rejection-Sensitive

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You may recall that the inspiration for this series of posts (Men to Avoid) was an article I found in the June issue of Psychology Today.  (click here to view first post of the series.) Now that I am planning work on my first novel, The Stalker (working title), the stalker type or rejection-sensitive man has been lurking around in my brain.  Rejection sensitive people take everything personally and perceive slights in your words and actions regardless of actuality.  As the article aptly puts it, “They become unglued at the hint of disapproval.”

When the RS feels rejected they may react in many different ways usually whining if they have the wherewithal to communicate their feelings,bizarrely out of context anger or in some passive aggressive way like stalking. You have to walk on eggshells around these people because they are waiting for you to slight them and they take everything personally.  The Shoe Guy was rejection sensitive.  He barraged me with nasty texts after I politely suggested he look for his ideal mate elsewhere.  (To see more about the shoe guy click here. )

I knew a man like this in college and have met at least one more recently.  These guys seemed like nice, quiet, people on the exterior but were always listening for signals or creating them in their minds that they were being rejected. The guy I knew in college was part of a circle of friends who often hung out together.  I fail to recall him asking me out for a date but apparently he felt that I had spurned him and started calling me at random intervals around the clock.  This was before caller id and cell phones (ouch, who remembers that?) so I had no idea that it was he until I had moved to NYC and the calling suddenly started up again when he showed up in town. Eventually, his circumstances changed and he stopped stalking me.

The other guy went off the handle during our first (and last) outing.  I made a purposefully overly shallow remark in a conversation with a waiter as a joke and this guy began to seethe.  But rather than asking me to clarify what I meant he took the words that were neither spoken to him nor about him personally and a couple of hours later lit into me with some fairly bitter words.  I was astonished that he had interpreted the passing remark as being about him and shocked at the lack of social savvy and communication skills he displayed.  A mutual friend later revealed that he had been cyber stalking me since.

The best thing to do is to avoid people like this if at all possible.  If you must associate with them, say as little as possible and keep the focus and conversation on them.  The less you say, the less clay they have to mold into perceived rejections.

Have you ever had a run in with this type of person? If so, how did you handle it?

Going Out Alone: Part 2

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In a recent post titled, “The Extra Ticket: Going Out Alone” (click here to view) I touched on the subject of screwing up the courage to go places by yourself.  What I failed to realize is how terrified people are, women especially, of flying solo in a mass social situation.  Although it can be awkward, it can also open up a plethora of unforeseen possibilities.

EXAMPLE:

Yesterday was a rough day for me.  My daughter left the afternoon before for a week long beach vacation with her father’s family.  A friend called and gave a last minute invitation to attend a cocktail reception and see a play so I was all set for company that first night but yesterday I felt lonely and battled falling into the pit of self pity.  A responsibility free Saturday yawned before me with no set plans.  It didn’t help that I was feeling old and a over tired from the previous night.  My friend, Christina, is gorgeous and about eight years younger than me.  She got the bulk of male attention while we were out which bruised my ego.  I chatted with a few interesting single men at the party , non of whom made an effort to get my contact information or offer up any further invitation to meet. (It can be challenging to write a blog about dating in mid life when you are not getting dates.)

So I decided to go to the local farmer’s market then attend an auction of Tibetan furniture.  The farmer’s market was full of couples and families shopping and enjoying delicacies offered by special food vendors. I saw only one person I knew which reminded me how solitary my life is for the most part.  I went to the auction and was seated behind Beatrix Ost (pictured above), a who had been written about in one of the publications I work with (Click here to see article). She is rich, glamorous and married to a fascinating man.  She was wearing a fabulous designer dress, very chic black shoes and a wide brimmed black straw hat over her artsy azure hair. She was cool, confident, collected and comfortably connected to her handsome husband and perhaps her daughter and granddaughter.  I knew she had a fabulous art and artifact filled  estate home somewhere nearby and what I imagine to be an equally amazingly chic flat in Manhattan. She hangs out with famous artists, directors, writers and dignitaries while traveling all over the world doing fascinating things.  She has the life I ache for without the  ‘save-the-planet” element on which I insist.

I got bored of the auction and convinced myself that I didn’t really want anything there then later regretted that decision. I also regretted not introducing my self to the Osts. But I was inspired.  After several cranky and uncomfortable hours at home alone.  I decided I needed to generate some kind of adventure.  While looking up some info for a friend online I discovered just the thing: An outdoor concert featuring salsa music by Bio Ritmo, a wonderful band, at a local vineyard.  But could I go to such an event alone?

This brought up the following feelings:

embarrassment: The implication that  you are attending an event like a concert alone is that you are a big looser who has no one in their life to go with – not even friends much less a mate.

apprehension:  A woman alone is vulnerable.  There will be drunk men at this event who may act inappropriately and even worse, if they act inappropriately and they are with a woman she will get pissed at you – which could be more dangerous.

un-ease: our culture is uncomfortable with solo women – at least that is my perception after invitations to married friends dwindled following my divorce. The irony here of course is that usually went everywhere alone when I was married but changing that status bothered other people.

fear:  of feeling lonely in the crowd.   It can be difficult sometimes to be around intact families and happy couples – something I long for in my own life.

Then I thought about Beatrix Ost and how if I wanted a life like hers I needed to be bold.  What would Beatrix do?  Sit at home by herself and watch an installment of an old BBC costume drama or go for the gusto and get her butt out there and just see what happened?

Do I want to sit at home and let my life pass while I am waiting for someone who may never come?

NOPE.

I want to live a full life and if that means going out alone sometimes then so be it!

I packed a nice picnic of salad caprese and home made gazpacho along with silverware and a cloth napkin to make it special, put on a hot dress and some tall strappy sandals, grabbed a lawn chair and some drawing supplies and headed out.  I figured I could draw if I needed entertainment until it got dark, giving me a purposeful distraction if I started to feel lonely or anxious. On the way I manifested a vision ( a trick my guru taught me) that I would either find friends or meet fun people and dance the night away regardless.

I saw someone I knew almost right away and she invited me to join her group. Though I struggled a bit with self consciousness intermittently throughout the evening, I danced and danced, got to know my friend better and met some great people.  At the end of the night, my friend told me how impressed she was with me going out alone, that she would never have considered it herself and I had inspired her.  That felt really good. Her comment fed my courage to go out dancing again tonight.

What do you do to find the courage to do things that scare you?

 

 

More Mental Feng Shui: Clearing the Path

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I am changing residences in the coming week and with that comes purging- less stuff means less stuff to move.  You would think since my last move was only 9 months ago that I would be fairly free of stuff but truthfully, though I now own less than most people I know I have discovered some things that I hauled to this house less than a year ago that I really didn’t need but for some reason was unable to let go of at that time.  It is fun reviewing and editing my life through the boxes of pictures and paraphernalia I have been carrying around with me for decades but this time as I sifted through the locker decorations from High School, invitations to events long passed and horse show ribbons I thought a lot about letting go of things that no longer serve me.

I have always kept a lot of memorabilia as if I was documenting my life for some important biography down the road but when I began the process of cleaning out my late father’s home I had an epiphany about the lack of importance of all the stuff.  My Dad kept little stuff too like the buttons from his WWII army uniform, his elementary school yearbook, a program from his 60th college reunion and countless name tags from events, conferences and retreats he attended.  As I was going through it all I realized that this stuff meant nothing to me.  I did not know those people or places.  These items were now totally worthless. I was’t there and the memories attached died with my father.

I took a look at my own life and the stuff I had saved and began a many years process of purging.

What does this all have to do with dating?

I decided this time to finally let go of some symbols of past romances that I had been holding on to in an effort to clear the mental and physical space for a new one.  With each item I found I thought about its meaning and why I had kept if for so long.  I found a pack of letters for a college beau.  He wrote me every day we were apart during summer vacation one year.  There were about 100 letters in the packet.  I had been holding on to them to remind myself that someone was once so crazy for me that they wrote me all these beautiful, funny, thoughtful letters.  I knew I would never read them again and so they got tossed making room for a new love to write me beautiful letters (or emails as the case may now be). I tossed pictures of old boyfriends and about 10 pounds of wedding photos and trinkets from my second wedding and more.

With the things I am keeping, I will organize them by year and either store them in keepsake boxes or create scrap books with them for occasional perusal  and to help my children have a better understanding of me as a whole person growing up rather than just their Mom.

Looking towards my future,  tomorrow I will go to a friend’s house and create a visioning notebook to help me stay focused on my personal goals and to send a clear message to the Universe regarding what I wish to invite into my life.

Having purged more physical stuff, I feel mentally, physically and emotionally lighter, excited and hopeful to be organizing dreams for the future with tomorrow’s visioning exercise. Such a cleansing and focus can only make me shine more and be more  attractive to a potential mate.

Are you a memory hoarder?  How do you manifest that ( or not) in your life?

Note:  I wrote this a couple of weeks ago.  I am all moved now and loving my new space.